She did everything but hold back the tears. Lilo is finally Judge Stephanie’s well behaved hawt bixch….
Kids, as you can imagine me and the chipmunks, Vladimir and Fyodor ( Mazeltov is taking a rest on account of having drunk too much moose moonshine the other night…) are doing slow motion sommersaults after Lindsay Lohanpassed the do not go back to jail sign this afternoon as she hauled her pretty simulated Stepford’s wife act routine into court today.
In fact so well behaved was our collective heroine she decided to leave her crack pipe home today and even vapor rinsed her hair in another shade of ultra beach peroxide blonde for the occasion. If the judge had said she felt like an apple Lilo probably would’ve pulled one out of her armpit, spat at it and shined it against her mane before giving it to the school teacher judge.
msnbc: Lindsay Lohan is one court appearance away from putting her 2007 drunken driving case behind her. The actress, 25, received a glowing report from Los Angeles Superior Court Judge Stephanie Sautner on Wednesday during her brief — little more than five minutes long — scheduled progress hearing.
“Ms. Lohan, you’re in the home stretch,” Sautner told the actress. “The probation officer is pleased with your progress. … You seem to be getting your life back on track.”
Kids, could this be the moment our Lilo finally becomes irrelavent when she begins to live a life free of pathos, missing jewelry sets and half wet coco baggies?
Standing in Lilo’s way (yes kids, this hawt mess reads like an action thriller that includes a villain- Lilo, a double agent, Lilo’s attorney, Shawn ‘I’m just happy that my lectures are paying off’ Chapman Holley and the matriarchal figure head Judge Stephanie) is 14 days at the morgue. 14 days of sweeping away the parts of dead people. 14 days of recognizing death in the face. 14 days off dry blowing dead people’s air specs out of her hair. 14 days of wondering to herself how each dead person she walked over came to meet their maker.
One day when Lilo finally finishes clutching the straw called life she will fondly remember how for a period she was America’s favorite hawt mess until she decided one day to mend her ways and break the hearts of every major media executive who promptly sought the adulation of a new Lindsay Lohan prototype down the street.