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Ashton Kutcher’s one night stand has secrets to tell and a lump of money in her bank account.

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What little tricks of the trade can this woman teach you?
What little tricks of the trade can this woman teach you?

Attention young hawt bixches who know their market rate: Pulling off a one night stand with a celebrity now comes with large deposits in your bank account. Bubbly, smoking hawt trashy chicks preferred.

Sara Leal is here to explain how…

Kids I have to admit reading about the Ashton Kutcher and Sara Leal fxck me hook up is got me feeling a little blue. Why you wonder? Because if I was a hawt little troll I would have side stepped myself into Ashton’s life, sighed deeply with satisfaction as he shot his ahem aftershave lotion all over me and then like a good little media whore ran to the highest tabloid media authority for a piece of their action too. And when I say action, I don’t mean tongue and tonsil action, cause I already got that shit out of the way with Ashton, I mean tongue and 6 figure bank deposit action. But that’s me and if I want to be a hawt little floozy and sow my sexuality to the hottest celebrity and the highest bidder who are you to deny me?

That in a nutshell is how I feel about one hawt fuzzy blonde mess today, Sara Leal who is probably at this very moment going through the used Porsche category section of the classifieds as she wonders where to spend her hard earned fxck money. But who am I or you to criticize, frankly I am as jealous as can be that she got to the booty before I did.

But seeing Sara got to the booty first and pocketed all that pocket change (isn’t it funny, Charlie Sheen would pay his whores with crack and limos,while Ashton who gets to replace Charlie in 2 and half nuisances gets the media to pay off his whores- now that’s a smart boy…), Sara has now got a sensational secret to share with all the aspiring wet dream applicants of how can I one day get into Ashton’s pants too routine. Her secret: she banged the shxt out of Ashton without a condom. But according to the US Weekly (who looked under their bedroom mattress for a six figure check to sweet talk their way into Sara Leal’s soft and slinky after dark bedroom handjobbook of memory excursions) it was all the result of Sara secretly hoping that gooey boy would make her pregnant that way the go away pay money would really be a lotto gambler’s wet dream of an evening of giddy touchy feeling whispers that led to the oversight on our lover’s parts.

But since this is Sara Leal’s 7 and half inches minutes of eternal fame, girlfriend has gone and stoked the flames of seduction and tawdry misbehavior by announcing that it wasn’t her who manhandled herself into Ashton’s life- it was Ashton himself who was simply looking to off load some tender love and ‘spunk’ on the eve of his and his estranged wife, Demi Moore’s 6 year wedding anniversary on the 24th of September. (Kids, if you notice any perspiration stains seeping onto the page, don’t mind it, it’s just me gently caressing my fingers in never ever land. But then again it is 9 in the morning and I have got to do something with the boner courtesy of Sara and her love escapade with Ashton honey drops Kutcher).

One day when Sara Leal is feeling lonely and close to broke she’ll look to autodial her ex hot tub pal and realize as the phone screeches unanswered hour after hour that her only recourse will be to dry hump the wad of money in her bank account, wailing into the abyss, a box of unopened carton of condoms her only solace…

Never mind Sara, surely there’s another loaded celeb that will give you the payday you truly deserve…

JILTED DEMI MOORE SEEKS DIVORCE LAWYER.

ASHTON KUTCHER WOULD LIKE TO GIVE YOU A BIRD’S EYE TOUR OF HIS 53 FOOT LONG 30 TON LUXURY ON SET TRAILER FOR TWO AND A HALF MEN.

SECOND ROUND OF ASHTON KUTCHER CHEATING ACCUSATIONS, AMERICA PREPARES FOR DEMI’S NEXT ROUND OF TWITPICS.

ISN’T IT TIME YOU BITCHES TWEETED A PICTURE OF YOURSELF WEARING A BIKINI TOO?

DEMI MOORE POSTS BIKINI PICS ON TWITTER AS RUMORS FLY THAT ASHTON IS A CHEATER

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