Why I’m dreading the Hamptons.

bemused Europeans and the occasional socialite who has decided being photographed over and over by Patrick McMullan isn’t what life is meant to be. That of course will be far and few in between, in the meantime this author advises you to get in the habit of forgiving people even before they blabber their mouths away and to casually enjoy the tuna tartare to the best of your ability as it is being passed around. If you must groan or weep, most hosts fortunately offer guest bath houses where you can quietly weep away.

3/ The miserable trek over.

Getting to paradise is at best a miserable experience. A trip that would normally take from the center of Manhattan and 1hour and 45 minutes will on most Friday nights between the end of May and early September take you 4 hours. You will whether you enjoy it or not be forced to listen to sex-escapades starring Jules Kirby, Kristian Laliberte and anyone else who comes into mind at that moment. Admittedly like you the first hour of listening to smut, he said, she said can be fun but eventually you will find the whole thing annoying and the only real highlight of your drive over is stopping by the I- 95 by Seven Eleven to puke, buy yourself Marlboro lights and a fat free whatever.

If on the other hand you are taking the Jitney, you are in for pure hell. The jitney is the world recruitment center for insensitive zealous neophytes who must at every minute name drop who they gave head to, what bonus they made and who they supposedly know all with the loudness of a Daytona speed track- just to make sure you don’t miss anything about these important peoples lives.

Of course that is not to say you will not find yourself sitting next to someone gracious, considerate, courteous and socially well adjusted, but you will probably have more luck finding that catching a beaten up bus passing through Istanbul or some other savory location with goats tied to the windshield. All we can say, yes it’s a small captive space, where you are held prisoner for four or more hours but one day you will look back fondly on the Jitney, and recollect how you survived the torture.

There is of course the train, but that can be an aggravating affair, and from memory, having surfboards lodged abruptly against our skulls hasn’t necessarily been the charmer experience we’ve desired. Of course there’s also the sweaty seats to contend with, the trains that fail to arrive for their connections and the long hot numb waiting waits by the train station with other confused Manhattanites.

4/ The night clubs.

Like most people we enjoy heading out and checking out the local scene, of course when one is heading out to check out the local scene in the Hamptons that is a mirage. The correct expression is – heading out to check out the imported scene.