Why I’m dreading the Hamptons.

If you ever thought about escaping photo models (yes, there is that part of humanity which can gladly do without them thank you!), their leaching man handlers (yes all the club promoters whom you thought you left behind in Manhattan) and the loud hordes that love congregating around these types you are ‘shit out of luck.’ If on the other hand you are looking for these people, rest assured they are also looking for you and if you happen to have $3000 spare, you can enjoy their company and good cheer too.

Be prepared to be ridiculed by doormen, cloak boys, the mop boy and anyone who happens to work at a Hamptons night club. There is no guarantee you will even get in, but that is half the fun, driving 4 hours just to see if a bunch of high cheek boned sets think you’re as socially as valid as them. If on the oft chance you have a hunch you will not be easily accommodated, we suggest before you arrive causing a scandal, stealing a flag while naked, plowing into 64 people with your 4 wheel drive or just being plain rude and vulgar. Your chances of getting in will sky rocket, and if you are lucky the first drink will be on the house.

5/ The private party scene.

As I have already alluded, most people in the Hamptons don’t give a rat’s ass about you, even if it appears on the surface that they do. It’s just a human condition thing and in their efforts to impart how important they are (and subversively how insecure they really all are) they will not hesitate to shove a television crew in front of your face implicating that you are a ‘coke whore,’ or just a penniless waif who has her rent paid for by some old man (men) on the Upper East side or anything else that is likely to make facing the office Monday morning a trifle difficult.

The idea of turning up to the private party scene is to marvel at your host, ogle over his $788888888 fish collection and to drink as much of his best grog as is humanly possible all the while patting each other on the back while checking each other’s boyfriends and girlfriends out.

Once in a while you will come across honorable and kindred guests, but rest assured most of them will be Europeans, the locals or the odd polished Manhattan looking for nothing more than the good company of other human beings, whom like you will be gasping for relief.

So in summary, I have written my 5 point rule as to why I will inevitably come to regret the Hamptons this summer but like you, I’m a glutton for wonder, punishment and the spectacle of fantastic car crashes. I just hope when we eventually meet you take the time to be gracious, pleasant and inspiring, at least to my face before you go out of your way to report to your friends about this cantankerous writer crying in the guest bath house.