Sex. Good sex. Define it. How does one get it? And has it suddenly gone away or is it all in the end just in the eye of the beholder? Of course who wouldn’t appreciate being laid the right way? Then again maybe according to Esquire’s Chris Jones, you bixches have got it all wrong and it’s your stinking attitude that has made his sex life an existential quagmire. Then again he might be on to something too…
esquire: On the spectrum of male lovers, I believe I would fall somewhere between “not totally unpleasant, but not totally pleasant, either” and “adequate.” I have a lothario friend, well endowed and blessed with an almost sociopathic stamina, and I know the women who crowd around his door like cats leave more satisfied than I’ve left women even in my dreams. I know that because I’ve literally heard the words “Let’s get this over with.”
And yet I can still say with confidence that there are women who are worse in the sack than me. I’ve slept with you: unenthusiastic, uncomfortable, and uncommunicative, the human equivalent of the space between the couch cushions, only without the bonus possibility of my finding loose change in there. That’s only natural, of course. There is a spectrum of female lovers just as there is of men. The trouble is, most women act as though they’re sexual Olympians, as though they’re doing the men in their lives the greatest of favors merely by presenting themselves like a downed deer strapped to the hood of a car. Some of you are deluding yourselves. Sex is not like pizza. Only blowjobs are.
Sex is not like pizza. Only blowjobs? Is it a case of Mr Jones habitually running up against the wrong women, or habitually treating women the wrong way? Or maybe not sprinkling metaphorically enough garlic on the pizza to get them girl’s juices flowing?
Perhaps it’s a construct of intangible dynamics? Perhaps a girl will fuxk us guys better when she’s in a good mood? (but then again I’ve had some great sex when she’s been in a bad mood…)When we’ve done the dishes? Seduced her the way we did when we all first met? Maybe she’ll want to fuck better if I bring home a hooker for a threesome, or maybe not (a pet fantasy of mine). Or maybe she’ll want to fuck me better when she realizes there are other women who want to fuck me too? Or maybe not? Or maybe she’ll want to fuck me if she figures I have a nice job ( I don’t – I’m a tabloid hack) or money. So that may lure them the first or fifth time, but that doesn’t mean the sex will necessarily be good going forward.
But before we start wondering how to make our girlfriends, wives, squeezes or whatever want to fuck us better, perhaps we should ask the uncomfortable question: do women really want to fuck in the first place? Well of course they do? But perhaps I should re phrase that- in what context do they want to be fucked? Is there a secret handshake amongst women that says ” the sex will only get better if he happens to move up the food chain, learns or is willing to stick his beak in my pussy better or when he appreciates that ultimately I call the shots and that sex only matters when I want it.’ Is that what it comes down to? Is that what has happened to Mr Jones’s sex life- he has come up against women who he is failed to understand that ultimately in their eyes they run the show….Or maybe just maybe sometimes it’s up to us guys and take the initiative and teach women what we would like and get them to understand no matter what they may think at first, it will be safe and we will adore them, even if they have reservations about how much we adore them or perhaps closer to home how much they really adore themselves….
But there is some redemption. Offers Mr Jones intelligently:
The bottom line is that if your sex life is bad, you bear at least some of the blame — maybe even an entire half of it. Do you want better, more satisfying sex? Tell your eager man what you’d like him to do to you. And don’t be afraid to let it all out. You’re not a slut if you like sex. The freaks are the frigid ones who confuse their vaginas with their anuses.
The moral of your sexual escapade? Don’t be afraid to share your dirty secrets and think you will be considered a slut for it. So what? I like sluts. It’s just society has put vulgar meaning to such perjorative terms. Why isn’t a man a slut if he sleeps around or if he likes kinky or different kind of sex? Sex should be and can be fun. It just takes a bit of communication and letting go of some inhibitions.
In the meantime I’ll stick to my hand jobs…