If there is one thing that’s a trifle inconvenient is that of being poor. Not just poor and penniless but begrudgingly verging on homelessness (think estate surfing), hungry and at the mercy of the barman for that extra shot that will see you through for at least another 17 minutes. At first sight the beast looks rather ominous and you would be well advised to steer clear of it, for when it is in a bad mood it has little mercy and if it is in an incredibly sour mood the beast will see to it that the lead that you thought you landed no longer exists or at the very least the proletarian position serving yesterday’s truffle sauce and dolphin burgers to undeserving suspects will come falling apart.
And if the beast called poverty is in a particular brutal mood it will see to it that your parents will stop sending you checks and never mind the pennies you thought were stacked under your futon- you already used them last week on that peanut butter sandwich, (mind you with the crusts expertly trimmed away). Hopefully if you are somewhat clever you will immediately run downstairs to the sanitary department and see if there is a sliver of a crust of that pizza you decided to throw away, because being fat and poor is never an enviable option, especially when appearances matter so much more.
Nevertheless heathens, there are ways you can restore your faux dignity and get to live the aspiring life of all your favorite trinkets, socialites and media whore celebrities. It just takes creativity. Something that a hack like this one has finessed while hacking away at the thing called survival.
First of all you will need a good pair of shoes and an accompanying diner jacket, and for the ladies a form fitting black dress (being slightly rotund will unfortunately betray you- so long walks and continued starvation should do the trick here). Before you go and call your barman or the delivery boy with all the good shit, stop to think that survival and grandness comes down to essentially been perceived as desirable. Otherwise people will steer clear of you and let you do die in some rotting pasture by the Hudson River.
Granted no matter what we decide to dress you in, you may ostensibly for social purposes still be a snot, but if you take the time to look disguised dignified at least there will be a moments notice before the universe deems you unsuitably heinious that you might actually make it to through the tattered velvet ropes. And if you can make it through the velvet ropes (this kids should be your homework this week) there will always be a smorgasbord of willful participants who if sufficiently beguiled by you who will suddenly take up your cause- that is, your immediate survival.