Now, I hear you complaining you don’t have money to go off and buy new shoes or that black dress or that dinner jacket. Baloney. You do. It’s called going to the Salvation army and begging the salesman that despite appearances and the dried tears on your face (yes one must show some level of having suffered ones fate in public, but please in very small doses..geesh) you really are a good lad or lass and that your pony days are behind you and somehow if you can come to some sort of arrangement you will agree to return for the next 3 weeks to sweep the floor in exchange for your new wardrobe. Failing the groveling, if you look deeply in your tattered pockets you may even come up with the $18 you will need to buy your new wardrobe. Audible sigh of disbelief from the peanut gallery- blah!
Once you have acquired your new wardrobe, it’s important to then make a point of re creating a new image of you. In this instance I heartily suggest you elaborate your identity. Publicists do this daily, and so should you. No one will really check your references or ask too many questions, until one day they will, and silly chaps like me will publicly shame you for being a faux socialite or whatever faux existence you have.
So for example if you are a starving model or actress, you will fib and tell the world that you just returned from Milan and Paris and are patiently waiting for that real or tear shots to appear. It doesn’t matter if you don’t actually have a real or even a portfolio, as long as it sounds believable that the phone call is 3 minutes away then the smiley chaps/damsels at all the social gatherings a city like NY (swap relevant city for your designated zip code kids) has to offer will momentarily accept you.
If you are an unemployed lawyer, doctor, or just a frustrated housewife, one can quickly change that situation by walking around with a publicist paintbrush and calling yourself an artist. Artists and socialites are always welcome at glamorous affairs where you will seek to affect your proxy. In the event you do not own a paintbrush, be sure to at least have Patrick McMullan or the other many paparazzi tin boys take a compelling picture of you. Once the picture comes- be sure to spin it adfinitum on facebook and twitter just like real celebrities do. Failing the fact that you are not particularly photogenic (oh well…) assuming a new moniker- like Editor Wanker about town or in my case Editor in Chief of chintzy blog will quickly open many doors to you.
Now that you have finally dusted off the tears, stitched the holes in your shoes (which reminds me- I need to find some sturdy threads…blah) you are now ready to plunge in the container called- phony winner takes all. Think I’m joking? Just ask Bernard Madoff – he puled it off for decades (never mind his current predicament…oh well).