Home Scandal and Gossip Facebook Status Updates From Kim Kardashian’s Ass (Public Figure)

Facebook Status Updates From Kim Kardashian’s Ass (Public Figure)


Kim Kardashian’s ass appears to have grown so large that the sexy thang needed its own Facebook Fanpage, making it a separate entity from the star in question.

While it could be considered tongue-in-(butt)cheek that Dash’s ass has been listed as a ‘Public Figure,’ doesn’t this seem to show that the ass, which has already accumulated more than half a million followers, could soon become autonomous, even bigger and more powerful than its owner?

Since the ass hasn’t yet updated its status (we can all imagine the volatile things it would say) it should be noted briefly that talking asses have some precedent in popular culture (not only with Jim Carey), and that speaking usually seems to precede a total takeover of the body.

Hipster hero William S. Burroughs once wrote of a man who’d taught his asshole to talk as a “novelty ventriloquist act” — which this surely is by any stretch — and of the asshole’s timbre, he had this to say:

“This ass talk had sort of a gut frequency. It hit you right down there like you gotta go. You know when the old colon gives you the elbow and it feels sorta cold inside, and you know all you have to do is turn loose? Well this talking hit you right down there, a bubbly, thick stagnant sound, a sound you could smell.”

Which could be said to describe exactly what the creators of this viral promotion hope to start happening here: they hope to make us “go” uncontrollably, to fill all our friends’ Facebook feeds with our shit-talking and (ahem) juicy chatter about Kim’s tremendously touchable tooshy.

For Burroughs’ character, soon however, the fart jokes (in our case they’d surely jokes about sexual activity) soon gave way to serious concerns…

The asshole wouldn’t stop talking, it had grown out of control. It began saying to the brain and body: “we dont need you around here any more. I can talk and eat and shit.” This before a jelly formed over and sealed the mouth as “nerve connections were blocked…so the brain couldn’t give orders anymore. It was trapped in the skull and sealed off.” Though, we can imagine, the ass was left to shit and scream uncontrollably for attention without ever thinking about anything.

Couldn’t we call this a metaphor for how what’s now happening to us via our new communication media, however slowly…