Home Scandal and Gossip The Sexual Anxieties of New Yorkers.

The Sexual Anxieties of New Yorkers.


crying250Why falling in love with the wrong person is a ball buster.

For those of you disengaged with life and its pleasure principle (so we have been told…): in the thick of the engagement of love and sex comes NY Mags foray into the nervous aspirations and equally neurotic behavioral twitches of New Yorkers.

A cursory reading will leave you befuddled and yawning but a deeper read will allow you proximity to why you either get laid far too often or why you never get laid in the first place. In any event, welcome to the Anxious New Yorkers Guide to Love and Sex.

1. The anxiety of too much choice.

12:32 p.m. I get three texts. One from each girl. E wants oral sex and tells me she loves me. A wants to go to a concert in Central Park. Y still wants to cook. This simultaneously excites me—three women want me!—and makes me feel odd.

Could this possibly be you- Probably not, but in the event it is – you are now a confirmed slut. Be proud.

2. The anxiety of making the wrong choice.

Identify the single best sexual partner available, or at least the person most amenable to their requirements at the moment. They use their cell phone to disaggregate, slice up, and repackage their emotional and physical needs, servicing each with a different partner, and hoping to come out ahead. This can get complicated quickly, however, and can lead to uneasy situations.

In simple English, this means one can shuffle human beings the way one shuffles rose petals on a melancholy day and hope that they love you. Coming out ahead will require persistence, good looks, high cheek bones and access to money (theirs we hope…). The only problem with this game is that any awful experiences can never be redeemed for store credit, but hopefully the next love interest will tolerate it…

3. The anxiety of not being chosen. The inconveniences of life…

In the event you cannot find someone to love you there’s always the idea of hedging your bets and having disastrous relationships with people whom you should never ever be involved in. That said, they are your crutch against loneliness and neuroses.

People whom hedging love relationships with is a no no include- rapists, accountants, David Letterman, and anyone who still wets themselves when they go to bed (assuming they are below the age of 92).

Love and sex are necessary desirables but don’t be overwhelmed if you become neurotic in your attempt to get laid by the right person.

A Critical (But Highly Sympathetic) Reading of New Yorkers’ Sexual Habits and Anxieties