me, had poor social skills, and hated everyone such that I felt special when they deigned to give me any attention at all. They invariably broke my heart. Then I made a conscious choice to try and make myself be attracted to (ha!) “manlier” men, only to discover that said manly men could still be huge children on the inside and even less likely to change than their younger counterparts, plus I wasn’t even that physically attracted to them. I was going about it all wrong: what makes one a man is on the inside, duh. My current boyfriend is a few years older than me, a guitar-plunker but also a dude with a career and a confident sense of purpose, doesn’t get “confused” or “scared” about his feelings for me, nice to my friends, and cute on the outside but a man through and through. Oh, and he is really, really nice to me. No games, no controlling behavior, no codependence, just a whole lot of happy. Part of me misses the drama, but I know that’s not a part of myself I should listen to anymore. Good men really are out there!
My god, a woman who is attracted to a man for his abilities of what constitutes him on the inside as opposed to the outside (ie smells like a Ralph Lauren commercial and looks like one too….blah).
‘Doesn’t get confused, or scared, no games, no control behavior, no codependance issues’– damn, I want to date this bitch! But seriously she then goes on to say:
‘no drama, but that’s a part of me that shouldn’t listen to me anymore.’
Well, how sweet she sounds and really kids, as a single man- this is the type of woman that would turn me on big. But of course given my experiences in life I have rarely come across her, which to some extent reflects the state of mind I was in when I was involved (hint- immature).
And how about this liberating response from one male reader:
‘In my 20s, I wanted that ideal relationship that we’re all raised to believe is, well, the ideal. As I grew older and passed 30, I became more picky and the number of items on my list grew. And as that list grew, the number of women who could possibly satisfy it dwindled.
The thing I’ve realized about lists is that it’s impossible for me to even begin to imagine the intricacies of a Human psyche. And to try to define it, or worse, summarize it is self-defeating.
Now that I’m just cresting 40, I find that I’m cherishing my own imperfections and the type of relationship I’m imagining is one where we not only accept our differences and imperfections but enjoy them as well. Where before I would have seen annoyances, I now see opportunity for growth. Instead of “WTF were you thinking” it’s “that’s actually pretty cool. I never would have come up with that on my own.”
It’s the spaces in-between the items on our lists that make a relationship worthwhile.