So you’ve arrived in the big city from ‘who-knows where,’ Idaho and you want to meet the people that will plug you into that coveted social pipeline. Hate to break it to you, bright eyes, but that’s much easier said than done. The world is filled with young girls, who’ve just watched Sweet Home Alabama, and we bet your personal favorite, ‘Sex and the City,’ for you to honestly expect to walk into NYC, and 2 years later be dating the Governor’s son and be the brains behind a multi-million dollar fashion line.
Joining the happy shiny people is a fallacy, because after the lime light, they’re not that shiny and they’re certainly not happy (think cocaine laced vomit caked to razor sharp cheekbones, waking up next to a Spike Jonze wannabe type on a Sunday afternoon). But they do look so effortlessly chic in their luxurious couture melancholy. If however, you still insist on breaking those barriers, here’s a couple of pointers that may serve as a guide, misery loves company, and in NYC, we’ll serve up la crème de la creme:
1. They can and will judge a book by its cover: You must be thin. You must be tall. You must be young and gorgeous. Starve yourself. Food is for the birds, and birds these days live off nuts and grains: follow suit. Bulimia is SO 1998, and we’re all closet anorexics. But don’t you dare bring it up at social gatherings. If you aren’t tall, spend all the money you had saved up on a pair of Louboutin for Rodarte sky-high heels (even if you are, spend all your money on shoes). But learn to walk in them first. There’s nothing more déclassé than some short girl from Alabama clumsily teetering towards the velvet rope she’s surely going to be told to wait in line behind.
2 If all else fails, go the Joan Rivers route: Plastic surgery is your new best friend. Become as superficial as you possibly can. There is no beauty on the inside, only the out. Botox botox botox baby! Whether you “need” it or not, everyone’s doing it, and we suggest you start early, fill that stamp card up! 10th visit free!
3. Wardrobe: Invest in good shoes. That’s the first thing anyone will notice. The clothing is a bit less tricky. Easiest combo: tight ripped jeans/leather leggings, and a deep vee t-shirt. Everyone will assume its McQueen or YSL. Have a quirk: huge faux fur jacket, paint bright silver stars across your left eyelid, layers upon layers of gold around your neck. Something that tells people you are the most interesting person in the world. Accessorize with dirty hair, cigarette, and the latest greatest cell phone. No bra for the ladies, the right nipple creeping into view at the right time, could make you an instant star. But only in the right crowd.
4. Language: Mind your words! Develop an accent. A non-descript one. When people ask where you’re from, in a bored “my god… isn’t it obvious?” tone say “My parents are German-Brazilian, and I was born in Sao Paolo, but grew up in Switzerland, South Africa and I schooled in Ireland.” Everyone will be amazed at how cultured and worldly you are. It will add that je-ne-sais-quoi touch of mystery. Mystery is your new best friend. Shun the reality of your suburban past!
5. Work: What you do for a living is very important. You are a producer. If you’re at an art party, you produce art (on the west coast). If you’re at a fashion event, you produce fashion shows (in Berlin) and so on and so forth. To the outsiders eye you are slowly becoming the most annoying, pretentious person in the city, alienating those in your past (which you will have to shed like last season’s Prada) but its all worth it to be seen hanging off the arms of the director du jour and to count Kate Moss as a BFF.
6 Friends: Forget the word ‘friend’. There are only allies and enemies. Your allies are PR and Paparazzi. Make sure to get close to any and all publicists: the hold the key to your new circle of young actors, models, artists. Another route is to be seen photographed by the paparazzi, this will catch the eye of publicists, the more shameless pictures of you looking bored and interesting floating around, the better. When being photographed, only be seen with people as equally attractive (but not more) as you. Another way to get into the rags: start sleeping with fashion photographers! There is a price for fame, your wide eyed virginity!
7/ Never wait in line: Never! If they won’t let you behind the velvet rope, quickly whip out your cell phone, demanding a car be dispatched immediately to pick you up and chauffeur you over to the competing club. Look pouty and pissed. Don’t let the door matrix get under your skin, get under his/hers. You’re on the list so act like it.
8/ Once in the club, always sway towards the limelight. Make sure to be seen. Have a good time, but always with that pouty, bored, “this is so Paris 3 years ago” air about you. You don’t want to seem completely green to the scene. There’s always better places to be and this particular club is just lucky that you’re willing to grace it with your presence.
9/ Location. You will be spending all your money on shoes/booze/botox, so living locale will have to be fibbed. No matter what anyone asks, Manhattan, you’re house sitting for a rich aunt, and she won’t hear of having visitors, which is why no one is ever invited over. Break this rule at your own mercy…
10/ Watering Holes: Very important part of your regiment. Not only is the place important, the army you bring matters just as much. While sauntering down New York avenues, seeking out the next uber-exclusive dive inhabited by the likes of the Olsen twins and that guy from all those arty films, the cohort you support must also meet these requirements, (only one stipulation ~ if you really want to win this town over, make sure you’re the ‘hot’ girl in the group, not her comic relief sidekick).
So there, our guide to Social climbing. Just remember If you really want it, you’re going to lose friends (but who needs them when you’ve got PR and paparazzi), you’re going to be impossible to talk to (because you’re so bored and everything is SO last year), you’re going to develop an eating disorder (Food is not chic. Not even a little bit) and your mother may see your exposed nipples at Kate Moss’ latest party, but if you’re from ‘who-knows where, Idaho’ what else do you have to live for?
so funny and true!! i love this article!!
I love this article! Very clever and witty!!
Okay, number 11- be glued to twitter and face book, but only if u don’t mind living life virtuously.
hmmmm..and not to mention Spacebook “friends”.
oh, you didn’t mention Spacebook!? or Text for next Networking party…more sheep!
that’ll drain a Gucci wallet….or 2~
oh my god, that was really funny…
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