wither and die without the pleather seats and faux wood paneling. In other words, do not be disappointed when the Ivy League gentlemen with whom you made elaborate plans to go to Las Vegas with get off at their own stop instead of yours.
2) If you have reached a level of inebriation that involves fluids of any kind moving beyond your control, please find a place to stay in the city or hire a car to take you home. I understand this is financially troublesome, but so was your bar tab. I cannot stress this enough. Fluids should always be under your firm supervision on a train.
3) Do not call your parents. During the sober days, the reception is unreliable, which only leads to maternal and paternal consternation. During the tipsy nights, you will almost certainly say something you will regret in the morning. For example, Girl in the Cute Blue Coat, while I’m sure your mother is glad that you are, “making really, really good decisions and, like, always being safe,” she is probably less than thrilled to hear that one of those good decisions involved a bar restroom and a Serbian man.
4) Flat shoes are your friend. If you cannot walk in heels sober, you cannot walk in them drunk. If you cannot walk in your heels on solid ground, how do you think that will go on a moving train? This is not exclusive to Drunk Train.
5) If you have to ask, then you are definitely talking too loud.
6) The conductor is your friend. Even if he leaves without waiting for the rest of your group, or insists that you cease swinging from the luggage racks, or refuses to admit that he locked you in the bathroom. The conductor is the one who can wake you when you get to your stop or leave you passed out in a pile of your own spittle (see item 2, re: fluids). Also, if you really charm him he will frequently let you ride for free (thank you, Lou!).
7) Don’t sing. Ever.
Don’t fart. Ever.
9) Do not pack or bring anything you are unable to lift. If you must bring an oversized suitcase, try not to travel during peak hours. Really, really try.
10) Relax. It’s just a train ride.
*Drunk train is not, as you might think, exclusive to weekends. Last night I made my way back from acting class on a Monday Drunk Train.
**Fortunately?
