The etiquette of being drunk in public

Whether it is a business lunch that goes too long, a brunch that sees more mimosas than needed or the day-after-lingering-drunkenness…there are times when you are in public completely plastered. You know the day must go on! And it will even if you stand there in a total mess in yesterday’s clothes. So what to do?! We want you to make it through the day in one piece without losing your job, friends or charming reputation, so here it is; The Etiquette of Being Drunk in public.

No one really plans on being wasted in broad daylight. In fact, total inebriation seems to find us when we have important meetings, flights to catch or social gatherings. Damn circumstance! I know far too well this unfortunate situation. Growing up a mere drive from New Orleans and our beach home, meant being in two communities of social outings with open container laws. Both of which presented the opportunity for a lightweight like myself to get loose and make a total beautiful fool of myself. Though I held my head high, kept my pretty lips sealed in all aspects of the phrase and came out in smashing style with respect and oomph to spare. You can too, and we’re here to help. Alright, there is really no way you can hide it, but at least you can make a searching and conscious effort to remedy the situation. Of course one must bear in mind ones level of intoxication, after all, after a certain point redemption or etiquette go by the wayside, not that we could ever imagine you succumbing to this point.

Usually the truth hits in a moment of clarity when all around you stops and you can no longer feel much, yet know you are wasted. Step one to blending in with the sober majority of society for the day is to clean up. Showers are helpful, but if you woke up in a bed that isn’t yours or you have no time to return home, at least attempt to look fresh. Alcohol does increase sweating so stay cool as a shiny brow or pit stains just draw more attention to your case. A new shirt, tie for the gentlemen, even a quick shave. Perhaps a spitz of perfume for the ladies or a new sassy cardigan. A nice coat of mascara and some blush, fresh as a daisy! (or at least we all think so at the time, and thinking is all we really need at this point. Think it and it will be.)

Step two- eat something. Find something to eat! Get a sandwich. A big one. Or a bagel. Anything relatively bland (vomiting is quite attention getting and clothes ruining) so stick to items that fill you up, soak up whatever you might be working with and do not cause any sort of added digestion-esc stress. Depending on how bad things are, you might want to follow up with some tums or something else that spells relief. Avoid white pants. From a true story, I heard the horrors of a meal gone bad when already drunk in the middle of the day. In the end the pants were no longer white, and there was no hiding who was a few sheets to wind that day

Step three- the eyes tell a million words. Your eyes can give you away so invest in good sunglasses. Eye drops never hurt either. Watch how much you stare. People who are “not ok” stare, so do not look if you cannot deliver a quick glance. If you must make eye contact, pretend someone is calling you, or that the billboard off in the distance is really intriguing you and devouring all your attention, anything that will divert you from having to make direct eye contact, trust us you’ll thank us for this neat pointer.

Step four- the act of getting around. Rule one, don’t even think about walking, because you will only fall down and openly announce to the world your sorry state. As for driving, don’t even think about it, we mean it! As for public transport, it can serve a a purpose, but bear in mind all those eyes shaking their head at you. Is that something you’re ready to tolerate, that of course that’s not even taking into consideration all the fun swerving and shaking subway trains and buses make- that wouldn’t be too good on that tender stomach would it? This of course leaves you only one option- cab it. Can’t afford it, lost your wallet, your purse, you better hope the cab driver has sympathy on you.

Step five- the lustful lounge- don’t do it! I know that this state makes me want to get extra touchy and friendly with any warm blooded male around me. Though any self respecting lady or man would not find a secluded corner with a special someone for a drunkie rendezvous in the middle of the day, no less….it has happened. (It was consensual, I must add.) After-hours flings do not belong before 2 pm or in your office bathroom. Keep the wandering hands to yourself and save your sexual dignity. If you must-get yourself off, or at least be discrete if you do pull someone into a back room with you.

Step six- the lie you are going to use on your boss or spouse. If we were you we would suggest you stay home, tell your boss you got food poisoning, as your liver among other organs is probably suffering. If you on the other hand have used up your all your sick day, tell the boss there is a family emergency, you just needn’t mention that the family emergency happens to be you. As for the boyfriend or girlfriend, claim sudden grief or existential angst, or better still something they did or said to upset you, better to put them on the defensive than you.

Step seven- re-hydration. Stay in bed, drink Gatorade and pop a B-50 complex vitamin. Sleep it off and do some verbal bashing of drinking, swearing it off forever…. (meaning you will be back at the next week but at least, for the moment, can see the error of your ways.) Though do not feel alone in your day of inebriated meanderings. Even our editor Scallywag has admitted to, on occasion, being completely incoherent and suggests you do as he does and speak proper English (“to over compensate for being in the shitter, of course” he noted.) He, too, likes to look the part though admits all those new neck tires never worked nor did asking the local pharmacy for help, where he was properly denied.

So now that we all know how to make it until sun down when we can crawl into bed and out of this compromised state we dealt with all day, you have no excuse to not go out on weeknights. Cheers to you and yours, though sticking to tea could really be in your best interests. Just a well placed non-alcoholic thought from yours truly, the Etiquette for Dilemmas Darling.