Home Scandal and Gossip JWoww, would like to convince you why you ought to buy her...

JWoww, would like to convince you why you ought to buy her gravity defying bikini line.

This year before my debut reality show starts in January I thought it would be a wonderful idea to tease you all...
This year before my reality show, 'Bimbo Shore,' resumes on January 5 thought it would be a wonderful idea to tease you all...

Once a media whore, always a media whore….

This is why life is worth living for. So I can wake up and stare at JWoww‘s butt crack and think of something clever to write while I drool over the chipmunks Fyodor and Mazeltov air packing last night’s cocoa bags….but these are some of the pitfalls of pledging my landlord to pay this and next months rent by scientifically analyzing the meaning of JWoww’s existence.

infdaily: Are you stressing about those tan lines? Can’t quite get just the right shade of orange with your usual bikini? Lucky for you, JWoww has the answer. And that makes sense, because she’s the entrepreneurial/inventor/designer sort.

The Jersey Shore’s tallest guidette (she’s approximately 17 inches higher than Snooki) has teamed up with Perfect Tan Bikini to to create a line of swimwear that doesn’t require any ties around the top or the back – it stays on the chest using a powerful combination of a special adhesive and hope.

Kids, let’s be honest how many times have you wished you could go strutting on the boardwalk with pre approved plastic breasts and not have to curse the sun god Sheba for leaving you with unsightly bra straps? Frankly it’s the thing that destroys summers for me if you must know. I wont even dare look at a woman with white bra strap lines. Like JWow I’m a perfectionist for the slinky slutty way up the ass crack look that could make your Sunday school preacher blush.

'I will always use any gimmick I can get my hands on...'

But there is a caveat:

There’s no mention of what kind of support the bikini offers, but without a single strap, one could assume it’s minimal. Of course that won’t be a problem for users, since anyone considering buying this monstrosity likely has crazy fake t*ts like JWoww’s.

Crazy fake titties? That can’t be true. Especially not in New Jersey where fake tan bottles sell out 3 months before summer even arrives.

This upcoming summer shouldn’t you pledge to look like a fake blow up doll with a permanent smile and of course strap free tan lines? I know I will…

'The secret to being a relevant media whore is to exploit your image as shamelessly as possible, even if it means trying to sell bikini that you know will never work in reality...'
'Which is why when I was approached to design my very own B(imbo) grade media whore line I jumped at the chance...'
'So why not take the plunge? If I can be shameless, so can you...'


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