First of all I’m not particularly sure if I’m qualified to explain why gay men don’t get fat for a number of reasons: getting fat has nothing to do with one’s sexuality, I’ve never been particularly lean, and if it matters I’m heterosexual- but that’s neither here or there.
That said let’s jump into our latest romp courtesy of Barney’s creative director Simon Doonan (whom I’m betting has seen his fair share of fit svelte gay clientele squeezing into those body shirts that I gave up on the minute I turned 30- oh well) who’s just come out with a diet book called ‘ Gay Men can’t stand being fat.’ ‘Gay Men Don’t Get Fat’
The premise behind the book states that if you follow the culturally ingrained diet and lifestyles of a French woman, you too can be skinny, fabulous and look good in Doonan’s preferred wares.
Which is another way of saying gay men are really French women in disguise, keen on fashion, mood swings, creative bouts of passion, g strings (did I just say that?) and of course calorie obsessed.
And why are they so calorie obsessed?
gawker: There is only one thing that keeps gay men in shape: fear. Yes, every gay—at least those of the stereotypical abdominal-obsessed physique that populates Fire Island and Palm Springs—is brought about because gay men are afraid that they will be alone for the rest of their lives. If a gay man is not “serving body” while competing to find a trick or boyfriend in one of the more muscle-bound climates of gay culture, he will be sorely shut out.
Imagine that- being disowned because you don’t fit the stereotypical image of a gay man. Which if one could draw a parallel to straight men goes something like this: ‘straight men will never find a good woman unless they have money to boot.’ Yes I know there are exceptions, but let’s put those aside for a moment and go with the stereotypes that make the world go round and of course neurotic. After all there’s nothing like doing your head in as a male if you don’t approximate the preferred desired qualities of your subject of conquest.
Gay men, unlike their straight counterparts, don’t have the luxury to stay in “fighting shape” just long enough to find a partner before letting their bodies fall to shit afterwords. No, gay men have to get buff, get married, and stay buff. Why? Because of three-ways, obviously. I’m going to let you in on a little secret: There are countless committed gay couples out there who like to either play on the side or invite guest stars into their beds. And you’re not going to get any A-list guest stars if you’re giving D-list torso with a four-star gut. Yes, gay men go to the gym to stay competitive, but since the man-eating marathon doesn’t end after marriage, they just keep on competing and competing until death do they part.
Imagine that competing until death to maintain the affections and lust of your partner(s). Which must mean love is only beautiful as long you are able to play your part. Oh well. Talk about survival of the fittest- literally.
Since society tells us to want muscle-bound athletes, that’s what gays want, and that’s what they make themselves look like in the pursuit of their ideal. If you want to bed muscles you have to have muscles, if you want to land a twink, you better be a twink (or at least some other type that is easily cast in any gay porn movie).
But just in case you think gay men are all narcissists there’s this:
While there are plenty of average-physiqued homosexuals (who barely merit mentioning) there has been a reaction to all this body fascism over the past so many years. Yes, the “bear” movement, spearheaded by gay men who are hairier and chubbier than average, is forever gaining steam. Mostly it’s because these guys gave up on the regular competition and decided to host a competition of their own. Theirs, instead of relying on protein shakes and bicep curls, relies on barbecue ribs and beer guts.
Beer guts. Hmm. But then again there’s power in going against the grain and finding like minded gay men who duly enjoy their prime ribs and pistachio ice cream as much as they do. Except one suspects this is in the minority, so gay men can only have one alternative- be buff. Very buff. Be buff or you will not get laid this summer or the next.
Many gay men spend their adolescence as outcasts or misfits, and when they finally get to a place where they can join the gay culture at large, they react to their years of social solitude by conforming with the sort of fervor usually reserved for packs of teenage girls. That means looking the part, which, of course, means joining the gym and becoming a regular. It has nothing to do with being