Will the world survive if our collective love parade loses her nose?
Life is scary. Let us rephrase that- Heidi Montag‘s life is scary and as far as me and the chipmunks that I keep by a pile of used straws are concerned Heidi’s latest catastrophe has us wondering whether we should pitch in and donate the loose cartilage falling under our noses.
Dailymail.co.uk: She’s had to deal with undergoing ten plastic surgeries in one day, she’s mourning the untimely death of her plastic surgeon Frank Ryan, she’s is in the middle of a divorce from Spencer Pratt and has had to contend with revelations of several sex tapes.
Could things get any worse for the reality TV star? Apparently, yes. Heidi now says she’s regretting all that plastic surgery and is terrified her nose will fall off and that she’s also incredibly restricted by her size G breasts.
Yes, it’s true. I asked the chipmunks myself. The bigger your breasts, the more likely your nose is likely to fall off. ‘Frankie,’ and ‘Mazeltov,’ bless their souls swear on it.
Naturally, the best way to deal with these self-inflicted surgical woes is to head off to a secluded beach resort in Costa Rica and drown your sorrows in warm ocean waters while wearing a hot pink bikini.
Does anyone get the impression these English journalists are too snarky for their own good? Who wouldn’t want to parade in a pink bikini while their noses was falling off?
Of course, Heidi made sure to take appropriate precautions when it came to her precious nose. The large plaster will hopefully help her nose stay in place in the event she’s knocked over by a wave.
‘It’s heartbreaking,’ Heidi said in an interview with Heat magazine. ‘I can’t live an everyday life. I can’t hug my dogs anymore. Especially with my face in the condition it’s in, I can’t get up close or kiss them.
God forbid if I couldn’t kiss my little chipmunks before I laid my head to sleep. Oh Heidi the pain. Please pass me a spare straw ‘Mazeltov.’ Brief pause. (Mmh, I must remember to buy nasal congestant). Ahem. Continuing…
The 23-year-old also told Life & Style magazine: ‘I don’t want my nose to fall off like Michael Jackson!’ She added she’s had her nose tape on ’24 hours a day since November ’ when Dr Ryan performed the surgery.
‘The tape is supposed to keep the swelling down and hold my nose in place the way Dr Ryan sculpted it,’ she explained.
Dr Ryan? Wasn’t he the surgeon who drove off the cliff while texting Heidi what color bikini she should wear while flossing her teeth in Costa Rican guest bath houses?
I swear kids one Halloween day I’m going to turn up in a pink bikini too. What? ‘Frankie’ thinks I should turn up in bright fuchsia. Of course that would mean I’d have to find color coordinated nose bandages. “‘Mazeltov!’ I told you to leave the straws alone!”