So you’ve walked into your neighborhood dive bar looking to impress your out-of-town friends with some local color; and what better way to show them how cool you are than by taking home your very own dive-chick? But wait, hold on; the people here are rougher than what you are used to, and not a single one of them is sporting any of the name-brand clothing you feel so comfortable around. No one is sticking out their hand to greet you and no one wants to talk to you about what you do. And, geez, you would never get a tattoo. This isn’t going to be easy, especially if you still retain some vestige of that Westchester accent; but maybe, if you play your cards right, you’ll be the one walking home with the prize.
First thing’s first; leave your networking skills (and fancy business cards) at home; you’re not going to impress anyone with who you know or what swanky parties you’ve been to. On that same note; un-pop your collar and return the brim of your hat to its forward-facing position; college is over, and if you’re not willing accept that you have to at least pretend to if you want to make any headway.
When it comes to ordering drinks don’t make a show of buying for all your friends and don’t, under any circumstances, refer to the bartender as ‘barkeep’. Stick with beer and shots. If you must order a mixed drink make sure that the name of the drink is the same as the list of ingredients. Leave the little stirrer straw on the bar with your tip.
Your next step is a bee-line for the pool table (you do know how to play pool, don’t you?); throw your name up on the chalkboard and avoid, at all costs, making a scene as you talk with your friends (in fact don’t talk to your friends at all, they’ll only give you away). Your best bet is small talk with the locals. Keep your fancy weed and high-class blow in your pocket now, those things aren’t going to buy you any sort of passing friendship here. Your number one goal is to convince them that Daddy didn’t pay for college and you don’t have to wear a suit to your day job. If you can do this (stay away from key words like ‘bro’ and ‘dude’) then you’ve secured yourself a spot at the bar.
Now you can begin making comments like ‘nice leave’ and ‘I think I would have put that one off the bank.’ (Remember; stripes are called high balls and solids are lows). When your time comes to step up, don’t go trying to jump that cue ball my friend; it’s technically illegal and any savvy pool-playing chick is going to scoff at you regardless of whether you make it or not.
If you’ve managed to somehow win over the locals, you can now look to meeting the women. Ease off that winning smile and clean-shaven charm that worked so well with the Connecticut girls; no one ended up here by being nice and no one gives a shit about how straight your teeth are. Keep the talk simple; comment on her tattoos but don’t dote on them. If the conversation touches on music mention some punk names and a few classic rock bands but try not to be too main-stream. Among your favorite movies are some gritty thrillers and b-sideflicks along with the odd grunge horror (if you don’t know any titles off hand, take a second to go to the bathroom and look it up on your iPhone, but otherwise, keep that thing in your pocket at all times).
When she goes outside for a cigarette you’d better be following close behind. What was that? Don’t smoke? Start getting used to it; there’s no prize for living the longest. And if you do smoke, please, for the love of all that’s good in this world, don’t tuck your cigarette behind your ear.
When you step back inside, buy her a drink. You’re going to want to get her drunk before she realizes that you’re not actually cool. Your goal now is to keep up with her, stay on your feet and keep all that alcohol in your stomach until you can convince her to come home with you.
If the night begins to wind down and you still haven’t been able to break into conversation with that cute punker chick, keep your eye out for any hipsters in the bar; they’re way easier than the real dive girls and your buddies won’t know the difference anyway.
