Home Pop Culture How to score on Facebook.

How to score on Facebook.


Yes, Virginia.. not long after puberty, you’ll have to put up with this nonsense as well.

Visit the Facebook profile of the sexiest woman you know; preferably she’s young and available. Whether or not she would admit it publicly, she’s keen on – or at the very least, doesn’t mind – a bit of validation. A little bit of flirtation…. And so it only makes sense, then, for her to have lots of ‘friends’ – the majority of whom will almost certainly be male.

Navigate to her wall. Don’t mind the drivel that she and her girl friends post, as it’s entirely irrelevant right now. Instead, look for posts from the guys; if she’s sociable and friendly, these should be rather common. After a few moments, you’ll begin to come across this sort of rubbish:

[Redacted 1]: ‘Hey [Redacted 2]….. when you get the time I need to ask you something please’

Translation: ‘I realise that your time is important, however, I’m going to waste even more of it by asking your permission to ask you a question.

[Redacted]: ‘thx 4 the add’
Translation: ‘I’m terribly insecure, and even though you have 4,500+ friends, I really didn’t expect that you would actually approve my friend request. Also, I enjoy giving off the distinct impression that I’m either a fourteen-year-old girl with her first mobile or that I write copy for a staid corporation that’s attempting to rebrand itself as being hip and modern.’

[Redacted]: ‘In the end, it doesn’t matter how many breaths you take, but how many moments took your breath away.’
Translation: I’m not even going to offer commentary on this one. I mean.. wow.

[Redacted]: ‘your photos are charming’
Translation: ‘In all likelihood, I’ve just finished masturbating to your photos.’

[Redacted]: ‘hey beautyyful’
Translation: ‘I don’t often put things in context, which is why I thought that a broad, misspelled pseudo-compliment would somehow win your favour – never mind that there are a dozen guys below me posting essentially the same sort of thing.’

Noticing a commonality here? It would seem as though these men – and that’s a term I use quite freely in this context – were castrated upon creating their accounts. At least the club-circuit losers have balls enough to deliver their lines – and face the inevitable rejection that comes from using lines – in person. This lot above haven’t even the resolve for that.

Get real.

(Yes. I actually copied the posts shown above, verbatim, off of the walls of a few friends. Names have been redacted, for obvious reasons.)



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