Home Pop Culture A Gigolo’s Handbook. Part 1.

A Gigolo’s Handbook. Part 1.

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Based upon every Thursday night at a Turtle Bay bar, the point of the program was for young, affable men to charm the knickers off a Golden Oldie. Hence began my education…

This is a primer. A discussion of the history, methodologies and related stories for finding, seducing, fucking, stealing from and generally abusing the older woman. Folly or otherwise, I could only claim my youth, coincidentally my seductive grace.

It is true, be it proven by personal experience or the ever credible surveys posted in women’s magazines, that the older and more successful a woman becomes, so too does her sexual needs and allowances. The manly icon of youthful idealism, a taboo-assertive self-consciousness full haired jock whose now concern for reputation, is slain by advancing age, growing professional success or educational attainment and the creeping reality that, with apologies to my hero, Jack Nicholson, this is ‘as good as it gets.’ Be gone the youthful blush of innocence and hope and be it replaced by the desperate, panting, horniness of a woman left to her basest, unattended desires. This leads her to her first of many jaundices on a Thursday night.

Consider that a woman does not begin to reach her “sexual peak” until her age has already crossed some hilly terrain and you have the makings of a beautiful, if not perfect, storm. The high, panty-soaking rains of desire sweeping an almost barren landscape. The battering despair causes the once proud virgins to run into the darkened night’s forest in their now-soaked and see through white dresses. In the end they are offering all their gifts so that he only be gentle. Some come bearing riches, some wisdom and others may offer only a body and mouth wet with experience.

The trick is to stay patient until she spots you and offers to buy you the first drink.

The great and unfortunate irony is that while women are becoming their most virile and needy, the men of their age are slowly losing interest and/or ability. If you believe the multiple Super Bowl erectile dysfunction commercials, their cocks wilt like Judas before the Romans. Their attainment of success, age or wisdom serves not to free them of sexual constraints. Indeed, most men had no constraints to begin with. So, in exchange, they are overwhelmed by the great potential before them. Perhaps it is because that potential now recognizes mortality that the destructive acts of fucking and sucking serve very little purpose. Enter the pool boy, the tennis instructor or, in the best circumstance, the 10 female friends and the sex toy sales call that turns into a full blown orgy.

After she has bought you the first drink pretend you have somewhere else to go and notice her sudden reaction…This is called the sink and hook, by now the two of you should be up to your third drink and her lightly parting her legs, letting you in on what she otherwise has in store for the pool boy. Unlike the pool boy who will eventually die alone and hugging a giant, stickered bong named after a battered car, you will begin to proceed to charm her with your zeal, the novel you are writing, the hunting expedition you shall soon be undertaking, the rock band that you just signed on to.

What is of significance as you move in for your first kiss is the degree of cunning, wit and patience you will use. Morals and semantics matter little here, and if she happens to have a husband thank your lucky stars.

As long as you stick to the guise of a suffering young man, she will never want to hear you are winning, that is what older men are for. She will eventually wish to avail you of her innate maternal disposition and with that comes the sacrilege of her wallet. Yet tread carefully, too eager and she will run, too slow and she’ll be confused. Of course if you are tactful and very cunning you should be having her pay for dinner and eventually your rent now that you are an anguished struggling survivor of the virulent kind.

At first an experienced, self-assured and hormonally super-charged woman can provide all sorts of carnal delights. Consider your greatest porno-fueled passion and then consider the older woman willing. Facials, threesomes, anal play and whatever other alternative acts you can mine in your subconscious. Even better and beyond this taste for the lewd and crude is the aggrandizement of the simple. When a woman owns her body, she can turn even the missionary position into a religious experience.

By now if you have being doing what’s necessary of yourself you will have her talking religiously about you to her girlfriends, and if she is bold introducing you to her and her husband’s friends, who will be the only one who will never work anything out until you probably decide to end it all and move onto your next accomplishment.

What is key is continual resistance, a desire to be with her but a desire to also be on your own, so as you may come to yourself. If she believes you, and she will make sure she has introduced you to as many girlfriends in order to get their vote of confidence (as well as show you off) she will eventually declare that she now loves you and wants to live with you.

Before you respond and go running for the hills, it’s best to continue being tortured for far greater delights await the patient and wise. An older woman has access to a world of social and professional opportunity that youth cannot even begin to comprehend. Age is like a secret society, a Masonic temple of possibility. By this point, the woman has changed her career path at least once. So too, her friends. They have spent the while acquiring contacts and favors owed. One need not know the cost of patronage if one knows the patron. And, one need not be her child to partake in the motherly affectations of help and promotion that an older woman may offer. Both emboldened by your cock, assertive in her newfound sexual prowess and needy of it, fearful that you might pull it out any minute, she will help you with the motivation of both your needs at once. Just never tell you don’t love her, which also means don’t ever tell her you love her either.

By now, the use of a real job will appear facile as a well-played game of gigolo can provide you with all your material needs. If you like, this game can continue to serve you in many directions. We suggest you see how far you can take it, and if one of her girlfriends happen to call you out of the blue be cautious for it is either a trap or an invitation to more sex and a grander expense account.

Either way enjoy yourself, and as smitten as you become you will only ever be as useful as long as you stay out of reach, fulfill your conjugal duties and keep those locks and abs all in place.

These my friends are the rude lessons imparted and practiced all from the shank of a walnut soaked bar somewhere in Turtle Bay…

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