Secretly I am wondering if this is an orchestrated sketch meant to unnerve me, something that the host, my friend and all the other guests have arranged. I take a quick look around the room and to my horror, everyone’s tongue is wagging out of their mouth. At this stage the host has taken to fainting and my dear French friend stammering.
“You must ztop ziz immediately. No more.”
“No, I will not stop. He has offended her and he must be brought to task.”
“But he zizn’t zay a zing to zer!”
I do love Europeans, they are so cute, but next time I will profess to God that at least next time they are allowed in NYC, that they come equipped with the Queen’s English please.
“You muz ztop now!!”
“Wow, are you going to make me?” proclaims the irked Facebook guest. At this point it has gone on beyond a farce and negotiated itself into something quite serious.
“I am going to call the police if you don’t leave now.”
“Ha, the police, do you think I care about the police. Ha!”
By now, the rueful smile on my face has turned to a rude shock and I am wondering if I will be required to roll up my sleeves and walk in the direction of our Facebook friend.
At this point my French friend, who to spare him from embarrassment I have spared to name in this article has risen from his chair and opened the front door:
“Pleaze, I do not want zer confrontashion, but you muz leave now!”
“No, make him leave.” he points in my direction.
Secretly I am still hoping that this is one of those big gags where in the end, a big camera and all your childhood friends roll out of a small box to bear hug you. I count up to three, but still no bear hugs. Oh dear.
“No you muz leave. You are ze only one zcreaming!!!”
For a while, everyone looks around the room, wondering if somehow a knife, a gun or a fist will be pulled out and if we will this time tomorrow morning be making the NY Post for untimely Christmas Eve dinner brawl or shoot up? Fortunately for us the Facebook guest takes a step back and announces:
“Huh, you are not even worth me sticking around for. You want me to leave, Fine I will leave.” Then looking at me, “See the scene you caused. Happy now?” before turning to finally leave.
For a full five minutes we look at each other, ears, eyes stretched, commiserating, wondering.