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Subway Etiquette.

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Trying to teach NY’ers common decency is going to be a bitch.

In some circles what passes for proper etiquette doesn’t necessarily pass for etiquette in another circle. That of course doesn’t mean eating Kentucky Fried Chicken Bubba Special isn’t a bad idea, it’s just a better idea if you have the decency to wait until you get off the subway before you start tearing that thing apart.

That said most of us can agree groping, yelling profanities and looking at your neighbor subway rider longer than 2.3 seconds can pass for gross acts of indecency that no matter which social elk you come from a hearty no no. Or so we hope. On the back of artist Jason Shelowitz who recently surveyed New Yorkers about their subway peeves we’re happy to continue Jason’s journey as we write our own no no list.

1/ Do not ever hustle me for money. I don’t have any, I hate you and if you’re that hungry stop giving away your sandwiches to other supposed homeless people on the subway at 9am in the morning. The city is full of shelters and feeding centers, try them, we have…

2/ Don’t insist on spreading your legs apart and putting the lapels firmly over mine. I don’t like it and even if we all know you have a penis the size of a jack hammer we don’t need you to advertise your masculinity in this particular cute way.

3/ Do not ask me for my number or anything. I hate you, I am anti social and I only want to be approached in socially sanctioned venues like $2000 society galas that way at least I know you can afford to buy me a proper drink and have some sort of social standing. For the time being – scram!

4/ Don’t ask me for napkins, toilet paper. Please blow your nose, tend to your mucus and other involuntary acts at home. Please!

5/ Don’t make me have to ask you to put down the volume of your ipod. This is not your private disco world, it is just a train you are catching to some insignificant venue in your insignificant life. Please don’t force us to suffer in closed quarters because this is the only way you can figure at getting back at the world.

6/ Please don’t ever mention God to our faces. We hate God, Moses, Judah, Popeye, Perez Hilton or who ever freak is your God. We don’t care. We’re glad you are redeemed and the world finally makes sense to you but don’t hold us hostage to your sudden meaningless revelations. There are other conducive forums for you to entertain. Try them. Please. Now.

7/ I don’t like screaming babies. I hate them with a passion. Please don’t let your babies scream. If they must, please throw them off the train.

8/ Please keep to yourself who you banged last night. I don’t need to know about your sex life unless I am dating you or I want to date you. Understood!??

9/ Please don’t look at me as if you think you know me. I don’t know you and even if we met at some party 8 years ago I probably don’t care to be reminded of my encounter with you. Just continue staring ahead.

10/ Please don’t confuse my backside for your girlfriend’s vagina. I don’t want to ever feel you dudes banging up against me. It is offensive, you are offensive and I’d hate for your wife or whoever to get jealous on me. So cut it out. Now!

Gawker.

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  • I’d also recommend you add a No Singing rule. Watching the first round of American Idol rejects be told that they aren’t going to Hollywood is fun on TV, but hearing those people sing in the subway isn’t entertaining at all.

    – Jeff, national NBA analyst