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The Etiquette of Food Shopping

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No way, You like fennel, too?! The Pick Up: Stores are the perfect alternative to a noisy bar or club to make a move on that hot darling in produce or grabbing his or her oatmeal. Conversation is right at hand as you can bring up topics of what the person is buying, inquiring what will be done with all those apples or how great salmon is grilled. Now, get your flirt on. Establish something cute quick, close and get the number and move on. No one really has that much leisure time to dally in a store and some admirers have lost any chance as they followed me through the rest of my shopping. Make it cute and sweet, leave me with something to think about while I eat my groceries and follow up soon enough. Avoid lewd comments as food is the perfect basis for sexual innuendo. It might work on some to talk about nice melons, fruit ripe for the picking or how you know how to make meat happy.

Ok, So you went there: Grocery Scandal: Alright, so the pick up went extremely well and since it was past midnight, you both were tipsy-shopping and made out in the back behind oils and condiments. Again, quick and efficient. I am going to leave this as I do not want to advocate hooking up with stranger in a grocery store…though knowing it happens…had to at least make mention of it. Ehem (straightens shirt and pushing glasses back up) Moving on!

Store Munchies & Sample Sluts: Samples were meant to me just that, a sample. Take one if you consider buying the product. Do not hover over the table going back over and over or you will become the dreaded Sample Slut…who has no shame going in for seconds and spreads your funk over every sample table. After seeing a plate of my precious cookies as I made while at a bakery once, molested by a man who’s hands were covered in band-aids…. please, if you have cuts and noticeable hand infections… do not touch the samples! Get thee to a pharmacy and buy your own box of munchies that day. Which…. should not be eaten in the store. Though it is rumored that even our dear Scallywag has enjoyed his share of free food circa the grocery store. Not intentionally of course, yet who can say no when an acquaintance kept asking and urging him to partake of items before paying at the store. Getting to the register with empty boxes is bad though even worse is eating the contents and (gasp) leaving the empty box, unpaid for, crumpled up in a back aisle. Horrors. A messy theft. Though the economy is aching, there is still no space for this behavior. Hit sales as you may not pay but the store’s management will when the head office sees their stores’ losses. Realize employees have better things than clean up your trash.

Alright, that was cleansing. I hope you will take these thoughts into consideration when shopping and remember, The poor man seeks for food, the rich man for appetite. Food shopping can be a hell of a good time, so please maintain an appetite for being the charming and consideration people we here at Scallywag know you are. Bouncing around all my food venues, I will be watching. Bon Appetite!

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