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Why are you still Single? A Smug Married girl’s guide to getting Hitched



You’re conflicted:
And like dogs, they just know. Your post-feminist need for self-power is all tangled up with your pre-war sentiment for being taken care of. Maybe your motivation to be independent is mangled with your fear of aging alone. Or maybe he couldn’t be more wrong for you but you couldn’t be more attracted to him. Whatever. They can smell it. Or more accurately, you create unnecessary stinks because of it. Work that stuff out sister. Relationships are work enough. No one’s looking for a partner with major afflictions.

You’re attracted to schmucks
Pursue the banker jerk, the artsy pothead or the emotionally unavailable player, and what you get, is a fun tryst with a banker jerk, an artsy pothead or an emotionally unavailable player. Sure they’re fun to play with, but don’t start whining when you realize they are exactly what you always knew they were in the first place. Because we love to say I told you so. And we will. If you can’t help but pick these fools out over and over (and over) again, get your ass to therapy and try to figure out why you only want love from people who can’t possibly give it to you.

You only want love from people who can’t possibly give it to you.
Maybe it started as a fear of commitment. Maybe it was a deep-seated insecurity. Maybe you’re a lesbian. Whatever. You’re not thirteen anymore. Stop mistaking the thrill of pursuit with the thrill of interest. Yes I’m talking to you who only likes guys who don’t like her. If you say you want love but you only date those who would never be able to give it to you, or even more fucked up, people with whom you know you could never work your differences out, you’re not unlucky in love, you’re just running from yourself.

You need to get your post-Friedan feminist ass back in the kitchen.
But hold on before you start crucifying, because not literally: there is something to be said for all the liberated chics out there pining away without a man. I’m not saying that women have come too far, I’m saying men didn’t travel there with them. Society prepared you to take charge. But who prepared him to let go? Nine times out of ten he’s still living in the “Hi Honey I’m Home” fantasy world where he plays moneymaker and you play piebaker. Emotionally anyway. The whole aggressive, tell-him-he-better-call-you, take-charge-leave-no-mystery, make-him-feel-he’s-dating-
another dude act’s not working sister. Back down or be single.

Third time is not a charm.
Who started this nonsense?  I’d call it a wive’s tale but chics who give tail after three dates rarely become wives. And five is not the new three. Besides, don’t you think they’ve all learned that rule by now anyway? Your pikachu’s your power. Don’t give it away until he establishes a consistent history of responsibility. You need to know he’ll call you the next day. He needs to know he needs to call you the next day. And by the way, you are not Samantha Jones. So don’t even play. There’s no such thing as sex without female attachment (read up on oxytocin and attachment formation if you somehow missed this little bit of college female enlightenment).

Your cheekbones aren’t as high as your standards are.
Certain guys like girls who look like golddiggers; it makes them look rich. If you’re someone real, looking for something real (or even someone fake looking to change your ways) stop looking for the perfect resume. If he’s short on height, he can still be long on love. Hasn’t already made his first million, doesn’t mean he won’t.  Missing some hair, well, we all have our limits. But be honest. You’re no divine creation yourself. Loosen up those restrictions.

You think all perfect men are either taken or gay.
Cliché, perhaps, but true. A single man can’t possibly be perfect unless he a) wants to be a woman or b) already has one. And news flash: a straight guy without any flaws is called a player. Men by nature are unpolished creatures; they’re a little emotionally retarded, don’t exactly know how to dress, and if they don’t eat like a pig they probably live like one. So what if he wears pleat-front pants and lets out a burp after he chews? Nothing a little patience and strategic thinking can’t do

You need to move on.
You know what you want. It’s that little thing that hurts inside every time you fall asleep at night. So stop making the same mistakes over and over and have the audacity to grow. Or if you have some half ass in your life and still feel that, break free and give yourself the chance to meet someone else. Unrequieted love’s nice for Shakespeare and 23 year olds, but chances are you’re neither.
The best loves are mutual: a little more boring, but a lot less tragic.



  1. it seems i have showed up to this party rather late. to those of you who enjoyed, i’m pleased.
    to those of you without post-modern perceptive abilities, i’ll spell.the.irony.out: one who is attached to their opinion is not likely to chastise herself for having it. for example, if i were a god-fearing gay marriage detractor, i’m probably not going to write an article entitled ‘why i’m a bible-beating homophobe’. observation and humor people. nowhere did i mention that married women were flawless or say that all single women fit the specifics of this article. surely you wouldn’t be so ruffled if the article weren’t somehow so very close to home. if my thoughts don’t fit into your black and white little boxes just move on. and ps. the article was not written in all caps. it was a conversion error when the site switched servers a while back.

  2. Wow, you really hate (single) women, don’t you? What’s the aim of this bitter piece of self-aggrandising fluff? To tell “tragic” single women that they suck and they’re they’re single because they’re flawed? To toot your own horn because you’re not one of “them”?

    Because we all know women in relationships are well balanced, have no issues, no baggage, no misplaced trust, and high self esteem [falls off chair laughing and coddles iddy biddy men who can’t help but play evil single women for sex.]

  3. Not sexist at all… frankly it is how it is. We are biologically wired to be man/woman…and the roles carry as such. Homosexuality has it’s own study and psychology is all over it as we speak… to figure out the hows, whys, etc… the same way relationship psychology is studied.

    Though I think the approach was a little on the crude side. Are you bitter these women are single? Is that really your concern? Granted we all want satisfied ladies out there… but as you note many are doing this to themselves as they hold onto baggage, believe fairy tale love lies and do things that bother the hell out of a man.

    Females who are single need to stop looking so damn hard, as the moment you find someone worthwhile you will run him off, bother him off, etc etc until you end up single again. A relationship happens naturally when you are willing to look at your own issues/past/needs/wants… and then be open to what comes into or what might already be in your life.

  4. Actually, I rather liked this. It was honest, engaging and rather true. Some reviews I read seemed to think this article was sexist. I just didn’t see it that way. Were they refering to the “stop being so aggressive” paragraph? Well really, a lot of modern women could do with a little less aggresion. The feminist movement brought us many wonderful things; the inability to let go and allow someone else to make a decision once in a while is not one of those wonderful things. Men do need to be humored once in a while or they feel emasculated. And who once a weak ponce as a significant other? And the rest of what Lauren wrote was good as well. What’s so wrong with telling people to stop dating people to stop dating guys who aren’t relationship material when you want a relationship? It’s like eating a pizza without the crust. It sometimes tastes good, but is otherwise messy, stains your blouse, burns your fingers, and inevitably falls apart.

  5. If I were bitter enough with women to publish some comparably sexist, demeaning claptrap, I’d be raked across the coals. You are a sorry, sorry creature, Lauren.

  6. Do you realize that you sound really angry? Or maybe that’s just a persona you use to get your writing out there–okay, I can dig it.

  7. Hmm…. So much for socio-psychological man/woman love dynamics of modern 21 st century age…

    Whatever happened to the good old days of “Honey, I’m home…I just clubbed a wildebeast.”

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