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Love is a Toxic Event. A 7 step guide to Valentine’s Day .



First of all, the day doesn’t hold much significance.  Well, it does and it doesn’t.  It does because of the jerky couples making out everywhere, and their fake happiness can serve as a painful reminder that today especially, you don’t have that fake kind of happiness. It doesn’t because hopefully you realize that, well, it’s a hallmark holiday, tied more to money than anything else.  Be that as it may, when all your friends are paired up, and you’re forced to work that Saturday night waitressing, what can you do to keep yourself amused? Well this year, cupid shot that arrow straight into my backside.  I think it may have been laced with some sort of “forget-me-now” drug, because when I woke up groggy, these things seemed like a good idea:

  1. Show up drunk. If you’re not ballsy enough, encourage a single friend or two to show up at your restaurant and get drunk at the bar.  Strength in numbers, as on the most over-rated day in the service industry (every manager running around like a chicken with their heads cut off, when really you’re serving stingy tables of two all night, the type of couples that ONLY go out on V-day…. Boring as eff), working for the man is a real bitch.

  2. 2.   Listen to punk music.  Loud. Not so much to drown out your neighbours having sex, more so to give them a better soundtrack to have sex to.

3.   Engage in a ménage-a-trois.  To complement your room-mates ‘gettin busy’ noises, masturbate along with them. It’s creepy on so many levels. But try and hold the tears back, crying makes it so much less dignified.

4.   Go hunting. Nothing like shooting Bambi in the head on the day of love (and we mean the deer, not the tramp your boyfriend cheated on you with last V-Day, that would be crazy).

5.    Eat steak frites, meat as raw as your own bloodied heart.

6.    Do a graffiti collage about all the things wrong in your life.  Sometimes seeing your problems and weaknesses in front of you gives you clarity.  Although we’d recommend using an actual canvas.  Spray painting “motherfucker” on the side of your exes car will probably get you into some kind of trouble with the law.  Unless you’re using the cloak of nightfall.

7.    Do your best friend a favour: make out with her boyfriend.  It’ll prove to her that love doesn’t exist, and you’d really be saving her a heap of trouble later.  It’s better that he cheats with someone she trusts, not some stripper he could get the Herp from.

So there you have it. Dysfunctional ways to spend a dysfunctional holiday.



  1. Lovely expose of keeping it real, s——sm:
    “Who says you must only be on the receiving end of Cupid’s arrow when knowing so much better what’s up! Why not lobb a spear back at Cupid; right between the fucken eyes for all that over the top commercialized, chocolatte coated pink BS Valentine’s day fantasy fodder the whole society so badly compells you to consume…. Though I am a man, you’re not alone girlfriend, I’m wit/cha… That pink –caine fantasy of Valentine’s day has a 48 hour pharmaceutical 1/2 life at best…. and then you piss it out and detoxify….

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