Yolanda Pecoraro would like to introduce herself as Tom Cruise’s next wife.

Pictorial: So who exactly is Yolanda Pecoraro, Tom Cruise’s next wife?

No sooner than Katie Holmes smashing past the exit sign, Tom Cruise‘s keepers are now on the look out for his new match in heaven. Or to be exact his new match in Scientology.

The woman to date most thought to be the perfect partner for our collective hawt bixch, Tom Cruise goes by the name of Yolanda Pecoraro and the good news so far is that she’s a devout Scientologist and that she even once dated Tommy, which means she knows what the good nectar tastes like.

So who exactly is Tommy’s new hawt bixch to go (see kids how easy it is when you’re rich and famous, able bodied partners throw themselves up at your lonely heart even when you’re not looking)?

First of she’s a Latin actress, which is good because Tommy only dates actresses. Second she’s a devout Scientologist. Yes I can hear Tommy scratching that off his scratch list too. Third, bixch’s parents were also members of the faith and that they’ve been teaching their devout daughter the meaning of life ever since she could not think straight. Fourth she’s a full 23 years younger than Tommy which is always good when you’re chasing the young sweet nectar.

Of course there’s only one little problem in this arrangement. Bixch has already got a boyfriend. Which means Tommy might have to throw some bills to make him go away, or better still Tommy can sit down with Yolanda and her hawt bixch (who coincidentally also happens to be a Scientologist) and arrange a sharing schedule of her good nectars. Or then again there’s the other option Yolanda and her bixch could all move in and get married to each other, thereby finally putting the gay Tommy rumors to rest.

But in case you’re still confused and wondering how the Scientology church intends to pull this shit off there’s this statement:

“With the embarrassment his divorce has caused the church, they want to stabilize the situation quickly,” the source said.

“They also want to show that Tom has rebounded fast and that his new wife is beautiful and steeped in Scientology. If the church decides to make Yolanda Tom’s next wife, they’d certainly want her to have a child soon. So she could quickly be going from her modest apartment to a mansion in Beverly Hills with a baby on the way. And there’s little doubt she’d do what’s best for the church.”

Ladies of the Scientology divinity, shouldn’t you be raising your arm too before Yolanda snatches Tommy away…?

via radar