Home Pop Culture Welcome to extreme wedding weight loss.

Welcome to extreme wedding weight loss.

Priming for the K-E feed. A much tooted remedy for brides anxious to get rid of those pounds before her wedding day.
Priming for the K-E feed. A much tooted remedy for brides anxious to get rid of those pounds before her wedding day.

Extreme wedding weight loss, the winning KE diet for desperate brides who just need to drop those nagging pounds.

To most people maintaining a healthy weight comes down to diet and exercise, but try saying that to an anxious bride to be who desperate to augment that ‘magic’ image in her mind of how she should look for her ‘special day’ (can we sit back and define that?) will find herself resorting to desperate measures (well at least what appears desperate to an onlooker) in order to get herself looking ‘perfect’ on her wedding day.

Confused? Want to try it yourself? About to get married? Having trouble with the way you look? Then let’s all make an appointment to the doctor’s office where s/he has a very special surprise sure fire way to help you with those niggling pounds…

jezebel: Just when you thought that the wedding-industrial complex had reached Total Bullshit saturation, a new generation of unhealthy weight loss tools have arrived for eager brides-to-be to embrace for several miserable, stress-filled months, proving that nothing, literally nothing will stand between a bride and fairytale magazine wedding.

This isn’t your college friend’s Trying to Lose 10 Pounds on the South Beach Diet. This is serious, snake oil salesman, sticking crap into your food tubes, trying to drop serious weight type stuff. In fact, according to an incredibly depressing 2007 study, the average bride wants to lose about 20 pounds before walking down the aisle.

One bride the New York Times interviewed had a feeding tube installed in her nose that would drip dangerously few calories per day into her mouth, because having fat-looking upper arms in photographs is embarrassing, but walking around with a damn tube on your face isn’t. Another use prescriptions and shots in order to lose enough weight to fit into her grandmother’s wedding dress. Others bought expensive cleanses and subsisted on juice for days, in an attempt to drop lots of weight quickly. Others resort to the “Master Cleanse” which is where instead of food, you just eat your tears with some cayenne pepper for 10 days. Still others pay thousands of doctors to tell them they can only eat 500 calories a day.

Wow! Where do I sign up for this shit? It sounds off the cliff and the way I see it, if a bride can get to look like a faux Angelina Houston (I know secretly we all think we’re all celebrities that have to yield to the impossibly high standards that our good looks have exposed us to) why can’t I as a groom look like a Brad Pitt hawt bixch. Well maybe it’s just enough that I am loaded and my bixch is looking her part that way we can keep playing into the patriarchal game known as ‘bixch look the part and daddy will pay for the part.’

nytimes: In March, Jessica Schnaider, 41, of Surfside, Fla., was preparing to shop for a wedding gown by spending eight days on a feeding tube. The diet, under a doctor’s supervision, offered 800 calories a day while she went about her business, with a tube in her nose.

A 2007 Cornell University study by Lori Neighbors and Jeffery Sobal found that 70 percent of 272 engaged women said they wanted to lose weight, typically 20 pounds. So brides are increasingly going on crash diets, inspired by seeing celebrities like Sarah Jessica Parker or Gwyneth Paltrow, cowed by the prospect of wearing a revealing and expensive gown and knowing that wedding photos (if not the marriage) are forever.

It’s true, a photo is forever but so are memories, which leads this author to wonder do brides really believe that we their friends, brothers, fathers, etc don’t know what they are up to, or what desperate measures they are resorting to? Do they honestly believe as their friends, co workers or relatives we will love them, revere, appreciate them that extra bit better if they drop to some magic weight? Then on the flip do they really believe that we don’t remember that in 3 months time they will go back to looking a few pounds over? And so what anyway?

But if you must do it, or are simply curious what this procedure involves, here’s the NY TImes description of the process known in polite circles as K-E diet:

It uses a nasogastric tube (a tube that goes through the nose and down the esophagus into the stomach) to provide all nourishment, with no carbohydrates, for 10 days. Dr. Di Pietro said body weight is lost quickly through ketosis, the state in which the body burns fat rather than sugar. Patients at his office are monitored during the 10-day period for things like constipationbad breath and dizziness.

One bride to be, 41 year old Jessica Schnaider, 41, lost 10lbs in eight days on the K-E diet which involved inserting a tube in her nose to deliver 800 calories a day, and of course she is a happy customer who wouldn’t hesitate to recommend the service to other bride to be’s.

Brides to be- why can’t you just be happy to have found someone that you are willing to have as your legal partner than trying some make believe device of sticking tubes down up your nose and down your throat so you can fit into the correct image of a tabloid writer’s wet dream. Please get over yourselves and love yourselves the way you just are. We’ll love you more for it too- promise.