It was at this point I felt it might be prudent to take a nap so as to steele myself for the rest of my bender. The next thing I remember I was being attend to by E.M.T. and my room mate screaming “YOU WERE BLUE.” As much as this shook me I refused further medical treatment and continued on my binge. Wisely I secured several doses of narcan (a drug which immediately reverses opioid overdose) from a doctor friend. Within time all the narcan was put to good use, but by the time I ran out I overdosed a further three times.
On my last overdose I was discovered unconscious by my mother with the needle still stuck in my arm and me clutching an assortment of pills and baggies. Even though I knew what I was risking I tried to get more ‘Narcan’ and was genuinely displeased when my supposed doctor friend told me there was no more available. As for my mother I don’t think she ever recovered from the shock of finding me in her bathroom half dead…but that doesn’t mean she hasn’t since forgiven me.
Now comes the hardest part; documenting the things I have done to keep myself in gear…I have lied, cheated, stolen and committed violence against stranger, friend and family alike, the latter being the easiest because family is unlikely to press charges. I have forged checks from my mother, stolen pills from sick and elderly relatives- things that at this point turn my stomach but in terms of junkie behavior are relatively mild and inoffensive. Things which I’ll probably never completely forgive myself for doing…
So why do I continue to use in the face of these horrors and how much longer will i continue to do it?
The answer is that I continue to use because it feels great. Nothing quite simply beats the feeling when you are on dope. To the uninitiated this may sound trite but it is only trite because it is true. The good times are so wonderful as to totally erase the terrors of the bad times. It makes the boring everyday activities not just bearable but downright pleasant. Fun activities are amazing, making out, watching a good movie or having sex become epiphanies not so much because it changes the experience but pulls back the curtains and slows down the action so that all the joy you might normally associate with these actions is drawn out so as to be totally observable. Pleasant emotion is at your command so falling in love is as easy as falling asleep.
The world is as it should be and it makes everything alright even when nothing is. It gives the unique sensation of being able to forget tomorrow forget yesterday and just be right now and right now is OK cause I am HIGH.
Yet the question always remains-when will I ever stop? Tomorrow? In a decade? Never? How long can I continue to hang on like this? It’s like a doomed love affair that you can’t resist because the lovemaking is so good even though deep in your heart you know one day one of you is going to leave the other…