Popluxe by Richie Rich -Heaven to Hello.

Then came the finale, along with audible disappointment. A rumor had circulated that Ellen DeGeneres would be walking, but there had been hide nor short blonde hair of her throughout. The girls politely finished their show and walked offstage.

There was a pause, as we waited for the ultimate club kid to take his bows. Nobody breathed. Then- BANG! A cannon went off, showering the shell-shocked crowd with confetti and out came Ellen. Glorious in a mini straw hat perched atop her fierce, catwalk face and a shiny blue suit, the crowd went wild. Portia de Rossi cheered on her wife from the front row and stoic front-row veterans giggled like schoolgirls. Ice-T gave a nod. Coco’s breasts smiled. It was the perfect finale.

*The computer system that arranges the seating broke, and the meatheads were left in charge

**Full disclosure: the writer has had a crush on Ice-T since age 12.