Oh dear what to think, what to say? Never mind, Stefan Sortland, 18, an unassuming Colorado State University student will one day wipe the tears away as he lives to tell of one fateful Sunday early morning which saw him do some bad molly, snort bad coke, steal and crash an ambulance and of course go on a masturbation binge whilst locked up in a prison cell.
According to police reports, Sortland’s adventure into no man’s land came after taking a mixture of molly and cocaine at a Halloween concert early Sunday morning past which then led to the CSU student experiencing seizures, recovering instead of dying and from there spotting an empty ambulance which to steal.
Shit would get messy when the emergency medical services team returned only to find their ambulance missing. Courtesy of GPS tracking, cops would be able to locate the missing ambulance and the high as a kite Sortland.
Kids, are you holding on for your dear lives as
Stefan Satan takes us for a dizzy bumper ride around no man’s land?
When cops finally arrived they found our collective hero standing next to the by now battered ambulance (let’s not forget kids, Stefan just took a joyride through hell and back) with a box of Wheat Thins and a blanket.
Asked to give up the Wheat Thins and blanket, Stefan naturally refused (would you?) leading to cops resorting to a stun gun.
From there cops would find Stefan Sortland in possession of adderall (which naturally he did not have a prescription for, does anyone anymore?) before being led off to the Loveland Police Department.
Asked our collective hero at one point as the cop car whizzed its way onto Stefano’s new immediate home: ‘Why are the lights flashing on the cars?’
But it gets better. Much better.
Upon arriving at the police station, Stefan ‘stood on a bench, kicked the wall, and masturbated.’ Which is of course one way of getting attention and releasing all that molly coco stress buzzing inside your system.
But there’s more. Much more.
Deputies would tell that Stefan would punch one of them in the face (molly/coco come down kids) when they sought to bring him food.
That shit would lead to the deputy suffering a concussion whilst the other ended up with a finger sprain trying to restrain our collective hero.
Not surprisingly the good times led to our collective hero being awarded a bevy of yummy charges, including aggravated vehicle theft, assault, attempted motor vehicle theft, criminal mischief, hit-and-run, obstructing EMS, reckless driving and unlawful possession of a controlled substance in which he appeared today in court to answer to.
The moral of the lesson? Drugs will sometimes make you do stupid shit that the whole world will one day end up reading, unless of course drugs just bring out to the fore the messed up problems in your heart and mind….
Images via facebook.