Home Pop Culture The Etiquette of a Sex Columnist.

The Etiquette of a Sex Columnist.



“I just found out that I got herpes from a wild bachelor’s party out in Vegas. How do I tell my wife without her killing me? I don’t want to wait until I have a bad outbreak before she gets the news.”

This was just one of the questions I got while I was writing an Ask Claire column on a men’s website. Though picked up to write food and lifestyle pieces, the website soon found out I also did work with relationships, dating coaching and the social interactions between men and women. The Ask Claire page was formed and questions rolled in. Despite the open ended description, the majority of the questions became questions about relationships or in dealing with the ladies in these men’s lives. It makes one wonder about the sexes… do we solely exist in our relationships or the lack there of? As social creatures who mate, marry, mingle and procreate, this very well might be the reason my questions rounded on this subject.

In time I became even well versed in relationships. Working with a social dynamics and dating companies, I realized that much of what was going on dealt with general people skills more than “his side/her side” thinking. Being southern, there was always a bit of charm and class I felt could be had in the world…general considerations for others and overall kindness to thy fellow humans. Here, I will share some of the trials and tribulations that came through my email box, so as to show you much can be solved by slowing down, respecting yourself and never forgetting that help might not be so far away.

The question at the top was a doozy. Having more empathy than I should, some questions were not that easy as I would think…what if I was this guy or what if I was his wife?

“Let’s break this down. Obviously, you fucked up in Vegas, and got “wild” enough to bring home evidence that’s gonna require medicated cream.”

Addressed it from multiple levels, I set him up for what could happen, what might happen and set him up…for that fact that I could not set him up for anything in the end as I had no idea what road this situation might take him down. Others needed to know to do when you finally ask your beautiful girlfriend to marry you and in a drunken moment, your brother tells you he hooked with her years back. Of course, I advised him to take his hands off his brother’s throat and realize that some things are really “non-issues” due to how little the events really meant. Communication and really getting to know someone prior to popping the question were also discussed. Truth be told, we all have sexual histories and backgrounds, so do not judge someone else’s until you are ready to tell your partner your entire journey of romping, riding, etc. etc. that might have occurred pre-being with him or her.

Sex became a major topic of concern with men worrying more about this than many might think. It was not just the horn-ball mess many women think men daily ponder (“How can I get more blowjobs?”) but I also got questions about women’s shortcoming in between the sheets. Though blessed with breasts, women cannot just lay there and moan thinking it is enough.

One man needed to know how to talk his darling about being really bad in bed, and described her as “naturally lazy” and that “all she does is take take take.” Poor fellow. So he got the chat about looking into new options, positions and to come to terms with the fact some women just suck in bed. ie: “So let’s just get it out there that some women will be lay-there, take-it-missionary forever and not enjoy it until they die or reach some sexual peak in midlife finally discovering their inner vixen. You never know… but, do not lose hope.” As for her naturally lazy disposition? “We have hormones and sex drives that can motivate even the most boring “do nothing” people out there.”

The laughing during sex girlfriend was sent to me with great concern as the poor chap thought she must have been laughing at him. “Dear Not-Funny-Nookie,” it began and was followed by Sex is fun. It feels, tastes, smells, looks, and can be ridiculous and “laughing during sex is not uncommon…[it] is a bodily response to new or amusing things. It is also a way that we humans deal with nervousness and anxiety.” So if you or your loved one cracks a giggle during the deed, do not think you are lacking and stop taking yourself so seriously. Of all the things that could and go happen during sex, laughing is but a minor concern which is really not concerning at all.

Others’ relationships were put on the chopping block as well with a “pal marrying an ass” (I took it she was not the nicest of women to begin with). Turning again their pal and losing his friendship was not wanted, but whatever was a group of guys to do when a bitch (his word, not mine) gets a ring and destroys your friendship?! Though I did feel he could have straightened his boy out before the nuptials, the situation was as such and he needed to talk with his pal in private. “You cannot control what decisions he makes in the end, but you can show how you feel by offering your own feelings and just putting it out there that things be different as you are no longer going to compromise your good moods and happy spirits with someone that brings the mood down (the wifey.)”

I got questions about how to have a verbal fight with a woman, because “women get in my head,” how to cook a meal to impress his new girlfriend and why getting hit on increased once in a relationship. Damn the temptation! (That is due to the confidence that usually comes with not needing anything from women….which makes a man wildly attractive.) Some go for this and do sleep with the miss’s best friend, and then come emailing me asking how to tell the girlfriend what happened. He did a less than noble thing, yet in the letter he also called himself a pig. That was just nonsense as he was not a pig as much as he was caught in a moment of temptation with a relationship that was already “heading to splits-ville” as he put it. I still wonder if the girlfriend who wanted to the tattoo ended up getting on despite her boyfriend’s pleading not to get one as he thought “they are hideous, just a total turnoff.” Could a tramp stamp end the relationship? I think so, as it could also ruin your life. Tattoos are permanent ladies (and gentlemen.)

Though I could go on for days with the questions I received and humor myself reading back through the answers I sent, leaning back thinking, I hope he listened, there is something to be learned from all this. Advice is nothing if you are not listening and asking the opinions of a 1000 people will not give you an answer. It will give you 1000 opinions. Sure, some are better than others and some might help you think about things in a new way.

I never claimed to fix relationships, but I did want to see those guys out there happy, healthy and living the best little lives they could be in and out of the bedroom. So I would really think on these situations. Now, the site is over and my food and lifestyle pieces are not getting put next to stories about bubble wrap bikinis, and my advice is now built into delicious Etiquette pieces for the dear crew here at Scallywag. At any rate, your dilemmas are nothing I have not heard so I welcome any and all questions, problems or social stumblings you might have. Though I will not let you eat the grapes at the grocery store or spit on people who still like brunch, I will give tough or tender love…depending on the subject in your advice-solicitation of course.

All requests for consideration should go to claire@scallywagandvagabond.com




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