Never mind Guy Fieri will still make a killing whether the New York Times likes him or not…

An attempt to profit off of his or her name without standing behind the quality of the product and being called out for it?

Guy Fieri promises to be incredibly annoyed if you don’t like his food.

Snippet from Pete Well‘s brilliant panning of Guy Fieri’s new NYC eating cul de sac ensemble:

When you saw the burger described as “Guy’s Pat LaFrieda custom blend, all-natural Creekstone Farm Black Angus beef patty, LTOP (lettuce, tomato, onion + pickle), SMC (super-melty-cheese) and a slathering of Donkey Sauce on garlic-buttered brioche,” did your mind touch the void for a minute?

Did you notice that the menu was an unreliable predictor of what actually came to the table? Were the “bourbon butter crunch chips” missing from your Almond Joy cocktail, too? Was your deep-fried “boulder” of ice cream the size of a standard scoop?

It seems as if restauranteur Guy Fieri hasn’t taken New York Timesfood critic Pete Well’s dissing of his new Times Square restaurant, ‘Guy’s American Kitchen & Bar in Times Square’ too well after Wells gave it a resounding thumbs down, leading Fieri to wonder out aloud if it isn’t because that bixch Wells has got a vendetta against his photogenic self.

“I just thought it was ridiculous,” Fieri told the Today Show‘s Savannah Guthrie. “I mean, I read reviews. You know, there’s good and bad in the restaurant business; but that to me went so overboard it really seemed like there was another agenda.”

Long pause so we can absorb Guy’s ardent pain of rejection.Three, two, one…

Continuing. Kids tell me you aren’t water sliding tears of moose soup as you listen to poor Guy have to tolerate all them mean food critics who have all made a secret pact to burn him cause Guy’s food is just too much way above all them food critic’s head.

‘To me it’s impossible to come in and have a dining experience and have every single thing wrong, unless you come in with a different agenda and you want to sensationalize something and you want to blow it out of the water.’

Guy then goes on to suggest that perhaps at the end of the day Wells had decided to take him down cause there’s nothing shiny in show business than taking a big name restauranteur like him down and thus by proxy establishing big cahoonas for oneself.

Said our guardian chef: “the best way to do that was to “go after a celebrity chef who’s not a New Yorker that’s doing a big concept, and in its second month.”

Or maybe there’s the other theory that instead of our hero Guy being used by the NYT’s food critic to establish his name (as if) Guy himself used the browbeating of a NYT’s food critic to resurrect himself? Then of course there’s always the possibility that Guy’s food is plain awful, overpriced, best reserved for tourists who don’t care what they’re actually eating and for those who can’t resist the draw of saying that they once ate at someone’s establishment who’s more famous for being a media whore than the actual restaurateur that they claim to be….

Then of course there were these interesting comments from across the web that caught my attention as well:

Your food is for fat mouthbreathing tourists, expect a scathing review. I see no difference between his concept and the neighborhood Cheesecake Factory. Unmitigated slop, over sweet, over salty, over fatty and hyper-palatable.

I feel like it was a direct shot at anyone — in the culinary world or otherwise — that attempts to profit off of his or her name without standing behind the quality of the product.

So in addition to his ability to cook up a cold, soggy french fry, Guy Fieri can also read restaurant consumers minds. Interesting.

The review is less an indictment of American food and more a state of bewilderment as to how a high-profile celebrity chef can have a catastrophically mismanaged restaurant.

Wells’ absurd column is little more than an excuse to lob insults for sport. Anything that opens in Times Square is almost by definition not trying on any meaningful culinary level. To treat it as something worth even a moderately lengthy review is deeply disproportionate. More to the point: it sure does feel good when the effete among us get to lather themselves up with righteous indignation for the purposes of lecturing the less polished or the pretenders. It also feels good to shoot fish in a barrel. The problem is it’s cruel, lazy and utterly unnecessary. Fieri’s place deserves no more than 250 words, if that. Fieri is a human mascot, yes, which is precisely why trying to take anything he does seriously (he opened this glorified Applebee’s in TIMES SQUARE, people) a joke in and of itself.

I am so sick and tired of celebrity chefs. I call their restaurant chains today’s fast food. McDonald’s and Burger King are now instant food. And why do they keep jamming chipotle and salsa crap down our throats…very tiring. Whatever happened to simple food enhanced with just the right amount of spice. Let’s just pile sauces and more stuff on our food cuz that makes it gourmet…..oh, brother….

But it’s worth remembering that no critic for a major newspaper is really a selfless public servant. He/she is getting paid to bring eyeballs to the paper, period. It’s ridiculous to assume that critics in any field approach their work with cool, detached objectivity, anymore than naively and idealistically expecting that Supreme Court justices set their personal politics aside when making a ruling. Axes are ground. And critics have to be entertainers, too;

Why is the Times even reviewing a Times Square establishment in the 1st place? 

It’s Times Square. Again: why would you go to eat in Times fucking Square if you’re a New Yorker??Guy Fieri is an annoying dick, but I’d rather eat w/ him at a greasy spoon than w/ a holier than thou Times reviewer any day. At least my head wouldnt have to be up my ass to do so.