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A gay guide on how to pick up and lay an Australian man…

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At one recent Australian gay lesbian mardi gras party...
The International Heaux-Off: America vs. Australia

“Did you smash the box in?”, Simon asked me for the umpteenth time when I came into the agency on Monday morning. But unlike the numerous other times he had asked me the question, I could finally, finally answer in the affirmative. To paraphrase Obama…

Yes, I had.

After weeks of delays, I’d finally been introduced to Australian peen by one of their finest.

Ryan.

But I had Alex to thank for first spotting my heauxtential as we downed vodka at the bar on a Saturday night at Stonewall.

“You’re being checked out at ten o’clock. Don’t look now! Actually, he’s been looking at you for a while!”

I so wanted to immediately turn around and view what the heaux fairies possibly had in store for me. but I could wait a few more minutes. I’d already waited nearly a month. I was ripe with manticipation.

“OK, I’m going to get him and bring him over here because this is getting ridiculous!” Alex was off before I could protest. Not that I would have attempted to stop the vodka cupid.

“Theron, Ryan. Ryan, Theron”, Alex extended our hands together and we were officially off to the races.

“Are you single?”, Ryan asked me, standing over me as I sat on a stool.

“I am”, I answered back.

After a couple of hours and a few more drinks, Ryan had progressed from small talk to more intimate talk.

“I want you to come home with me and cuddle”, Ryan whispered in my ear as we danced on the top floor. I’d go home with him alright. But I had far more than cuddling in mind.

Alright?

“Let’s leave soon”, I answered back. Not to sound too eager, but I was a bit impatient to smash Australian box.

Australian male box.

After a few more rounds of drinks, Alex sent us on out way with a knowing smile.

“Welcome to Australia!! We aim to please!”

On the walk to his house in Paddington, Ryan made his true aim apparent.

“I want to get home and then you fuck me!”

As if I didn’t see this coming.

Manticipation!

We reached Ryan’s flat and climbed to the second floor of his loft and then fell into bed. After a few minutes of making out, I excused myself to the bathroom. When I returned from the shower, the un-thinkable had occurred. Ryan had passed out. But not only had Ryan passed out, but he’d done so in unconventional manner. One pant leg was off while one remained. Clearly, an attempt at fuckery/nekkidness had been made and for that I silently praised him. But was I here for attempts, near misses and unexpected liquor comas?

Hell to the naw! I am a heauxfessional at all times! I knew something had to be done. I knew I would have to take matters into my own hands.

*un-zip*

For there was no way in hell that I was allowing a little thing like intoxication stand in the way of my first Australian conquest. So as Ryan lay there, I began taking off his pants, quickly followed by his white button down shirt. By hook or crook, one thing was certain.

It was about to go down!

Before I had to force his hand (or ass), Ryan finally came to and it was not necessary to press the issue.

“What happened? Did I pass out?”, Ryan asked, yawning.

“Oh, don’t worry. It was nothing I couldn’t handle”, I smiled back. There was no need to elaborate. Mainly because there were more important things on my agenda. Now that Ryan was up, he was up. It was as if his disco coma had never occurred. It may have taken longer than sexpected, but Ryan was an Aussie worthy of the wait. After a few rounds of sexual bliss, we both passed out for a few hours. When I woke up a few hours later, I only had to nudge Ryan before he rose to attention.

In every sense of the word.

“You know what”, I started, leaning into my Sydney prize. “You’re the first Australian I’ve ever been to bed with.”

At least on this continent.

“How did I do? Did I measure up against those other nations?”

Ryan rolled on top of me and attempted to measure me…below the waist.

“Well, you certainly represented your country well. And before I go home, I require another round for a complete assessment.”

At least that’s what I told him. But just between you and me, heauxz? I’d already chalked this one up as a lust T.K. Heaux.

America 1, Australia 0

I was not ready to rack up a few more rounds.

 

above image found here

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  • yggiw

    do you toss salad before or after you write these posts, how much meth do you smoke before you head to chelsea?

  • Chelsea Handler

    the first thing you want to do is take a cold shower

  • George K

    I’m not sure how this got onto the ‘news’ section of Google’s search results for gay news, but that should really be fixed.