I’ve heard that the Ultra Music Festival in Miami attracts quite the crazy, however, the extent of it was unbeknownst to me until I came across the YouTube video below. The video features a young woman having a love affair with a tree.
I’ve written a little something in repose:
Dear “Girl Humping Tree at Ultra Music Festival”, Dating is hard. I get it. Really, I do. Just hear me out:
I come from New York, a land where the men are scarce (the sane, employed, decent looking ones at least), and many a nights I have found myself contemplating making out with inanimate objects. But that’s the thing. I’ve only thought about it. I’ve never actually gone THROUGH with it. Sure, not all of my conquests actually looked like Chace Crawford, or were over 5’4, but I would like to believe that they all had a pulse.
What I’m wondering is, what did you take? Is it expensive? Where can I find it?
Also, I was curious as to where your girlfriends are? For some reason I feel like if I tried to pull the shit you did with that tree my bestie would grab me and sit me down in a corner somewhere, then tell me I’m so chic and deserve better. If that didn’t work she’d lock me in a closet and leave me there for a few days. Both cases are better than waking up to find a video of myself humping bark, and the latter assures that all national park rangers can rest easy as my assaults could not be furthered.
Your friends though seem to have just let you hang out with that tree all day. They even let these jerks video tape it while egging you on! Not cool.
Don’t worry though. The derogatory commentary is probably just because they’re drunk too, right? These dudes are definitely just jealous of the tree, I mean, it totally had you all to itself.
What does that say about the competition?
My last question is, did mom and dad pay for this little vaca? If so make sure they don’t know how to use the internets. I have a feeling finding you in this state on YouTube could definitely negatively affect your allowance. Worse case, cry and blame your friends. They abandoned you anyway.
Girl crazy on a tree bark. At least you used condoms right? (ps- you have to admit bixch slapping that tree was a little kinky…lol)