Lindsay Lohan turns out to be a complete flop on SNL.

Oh dear kids, for a moment the chipmunks, Fyodor and Mazeltov and I were prepared to suspend the unbelievable, pray against hope that somehow our collective hero Lilo could come back Saturday night and deliver the unbelievable, the fantastical and somehow resurrect her acting chops. Instead all she did was reinstall the idea that being a tabloid media whore is the one and only true vocation best suited for her…

When the camera first introduced us to our media whore, we were welcomed to the visage of a bloated blonde mop on top of a fitted midnight blue dress, the mop idly gesticulating as its co stars took to playfully sending her up, from shining pen lights into her eyes to see if she was off her rockers, giving her a body pat down for supposed contraband to mocking her that a replacement host stood on the wings in case she wanted out then and there.  The mop could only glibly stand there, too outgunned and half a second way behind the cue ball, the beat of the moment come and come with the tattered mop looking past into the void. It soon became obvious live comedy was not her mettle.

The studio audience laughed not so much with the mop because they found her funny but more because it was the only sensible way of dealing with the huge deflation of watching our fallen star flutter onstage. Twitter followers on the other hand were hardly so merciful. Infact most were scathing and wanted her head then and there.

Twitted the comic veteran Joan Rivers:

“Lindsay Lohan was so bad on SNL that the judge is sending her back to rehab, but for acting lessons.”

At one point during the skit  “Scared Straight,’ you thought here’s a chance where Lilo can come clean with viewers as the piece was essentially a thinly veiled allegory about her. Here was a chance to finally win us back. Instead she hacks this piece (like her life…) with missed beats, mumbling, searching for her lines and strangely looking over her co stars shoulders. In the end the public has to blame itself for thinking we can extract something that once existed in her because on some level we are using her as a metaphor for the magic we’d like to see in ourselves. Surely there are more deserving talents that need our attention? Rest in peace Lindsay…