Star magazine infamous for their savory portrayal of honey suckle stars and their misadventures is today sporting the visage of 20 year old Mariah Yeater holding on to her baby whom she she has named Tristyn Anthony Markhouse Yeater.
On the right hand side of the cover, directly across from the money desperate glare of Mariah is the quixotic presence of sunshine recreated for mankind Justin Bieber. Why is he on the right side of the cover whilst mother and child are on the left side of the cover you wonder? Because Justin according to this part of sunshine is the alleged father. And of course if you really want to make a mockery of the Star cover, pictured on the very top left corner is the aghast expression of Kim Kardashian who is probably offended that anyone could love her sweet little cherub Just More Money Bieber and have babies with him without first checking with her as to where a spare $17 million check can be had before anyone goes out and does some serious posing.
Complicating the love story that Mariah is replaying in her mind is the fact that if Justin I was a virgin until Mariah made me show her my petite manhood and impregnate the bixch is the fact that Justin would only have been 16 when he purportedly impregnated our new entrant to the celebrity sweeps. Which is a back ass way of saying if Mariah is telling the truth she can now expect a visit from authorities for statutory rape seeing as our muffin Justin was barely a half erect peen when he was 16, and in the state of California playing with someone’s peen before they turn 18 will see your ass hauled in, especially if you happen to be older than 18.
The romance according to our celebrity sweepstakes entrant Mariah goes something like this:
A security guard allegedly working for Bieber approached Yeater, asking if she wanted to meet the pop star. She said yes, and the security guard escorted her backstage, where she met Bieber.
“Immediately, it was obvious that we were mutually attracted to one another, and we began to kiss.” Yeater hand-wrote in her complaint. “Shortly thereafter, Justin Bieber suggested that I go with him to a private place where we could be alone. I agreed to go with him and on the walk to a private area, he told me he wanted to make love to me and this was going to be his first time.”
Kids before we go forward I’ve had to quickly go looking for a jar of lube because even I am getting a half erect peon being seduced by Mariah.
The “private area” in question was allegedly a bathroom. “We went inside and immediately his personality changed drastically,” claimed Yeater. “He began touching me and repeatedly said he wanted to (expletive) the (expletive) out of me. At the time I asked him to put a condom for protection, but he insisted that he did not want to. In his own words, he said that because it was his first time he wanted to feel everything.”
Justin then “quickly took off” Yeater’s clothes and the pair had sex, the suit alleges.
And the bixch insisted on not using a condom?! How thoughtless of our block of sunshine Justin. Didn’t he realize the chance he could get old Mariah pregnant and then she’d be forced in the horrible position of having to harangue him for his millions just to make sure the baby would have the type of existence necessary to afford it a fighting chance in the real word.Damn Justin- I must say- you is a selfish nigga!! You nigga should have put on a condom and now all you have done is caused Mariah all this fretting and what not. Geesh! Imagine having to hustle a multi millionaire for a few million cause you made her pregnant – damn nigga!
Justin for his part is having none of the wet dream and insists his peen wasn’t even in existence mode the day Mariah alleges our hero whacked her up real good. In fact Justin’s lawyers have started screaming some shit about privacy, fabrication, make believe and slander. Pillow talk if you ask me but an afternoon inconvenience someone of Justin’s stature is from time to time forced to contend with.
As it all stands a hearing is scheduled for December 15 – which means Star mag will probably come out with a cover version of Kim Kardashian as Mariah’s sudden new godmother and Justin and Mariah locked in some sort of secret love embrace with Selena jealously looking on wondering why there is no more sunshine and half erect peens in her part of the world.
Don’t you wish you could make it on the cover of a Star magazine cover one day too? Of course you do….we all do nigga!