Home Scandal and Gossip Ted Williams wearing crisp new suit and glasses vows to become sober.

Ted Williams wearing crisp new suit and glasses vows to become sober.

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If I put on a business suit and start wearing spiffy glasses, will that help me stay sober?

Life in America is starting to look up again? Why? Because after we all thought our collective hero Ted Williams was once again making his way back to the crackhouse this morning he emerged on national TV looking like Mother Teresa’s book accountant with a mission from the Goddess of Sheba herself.

gothamist: This morning he appeared on The Early Show and promised his troubles with drinking and family members are “behind me.” “That was probably a very rushed decision. It was too much, too fast, and I was just not really focused on what I should be doing.”

In other words Ted wants us to understand although he was bumrushed to get sober last time, this time especially since he bought a new pair of glasses he really means to stay sober this time. Which all things being equal, especially in lieu of the degree of starch in his suit Ted will one day convert to solely drinking baby goat milk- because that’s how sober he aims to get.

Which leads to the next trick question, if I buy two clean suits does that mean I intend to stay sober for two straight weekends in a row or two life times?

Only time and that bottle of gin waving its hand at Ted will tell.

TED WILLIAMS WANTS YOU TO KNOW HE’S GOING TO TAKE A RAINCHECK ON REHAB.

TED WILLIAMS WANTS TO SHOW YOU EXACTLY WHERE HIS DAUGHTER PUNCHED HIM.

YES IT’S TRUE- TED WILLIAMS IS MORE POPULAR THAN SUSAN BOYLE EVER WAS.

IS TED WILLIAMS A HOMELESS BUM, THE NEW RADIO VOICE OF AMERICA?

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