Are hand jobs suddenly out of vogue now?

Are hand jobs suddenly out of vogue now?How will a woman please her man now?

Out of Jezebel today comes a report that women are now starting to give less and less hand jobs to their men and the fear is that eventually going forward men will have to resort to giving themselves their own hand job…

Jezebel: There’s a certain point in a woman’s sexual history where she just decides — out of nowhere — that handjobs are just not part of the repertoire anymore.

Most of the complaints I’ve heard from some of my female friends about “your weird handjob thing” are this:

* We can’t do it better than you: Wrong! You totally can. Nothing’s changed that drastically since the last time you gave one. Most men pube-groom themselves so much these days (because visually it adds length — like vertical stripes) that you won’t even get stray squigglies on your wrists. And just fumble around a bit until you find the right motion. It won’t take that long. Just grab some Jergens or spit on your palm and get crankin’.

Although we can testify to the author’s point of view I’d be lying if I didn’t think all in all men in fact do give themselves better hand jobs, specifically because they have lots of practice doing it since the onset of puberty and frankly there’s nothing worse than a woman who is giving a man a hand job and her refusing to look deeply into her guys’ eyes. Trust us we’ve seen it…and we don’t approve.

* Men like blowjobs better: Sure. Most of the time, this is true. But this is a total throwback maneuver. Think of it this way: You know how that first cigarette tastes after a seven-hour plane ride? It totally puts you back to the days of hiding out behind the library and sneaking cigs. There’s something exhilarating about it. That’s the same way I feel about a new hand on my dick. And prolonged attention with just the hand totally makes me feel like I’m back in 5 p.m. detention get flogged by Bonnie Whatsherface behind the library cart.

Personally I think blowjobs have more to offer, because even if the new lover is apt to help out in the hand job department (on a case by case scenario), there’s nothing like the thrill of some warm tongue slithering over ones manhood. And besides who wants another hand job when this time you can get the thing you’ve been fantasizing over in the first place. Right guys?

* Too much clean-up: Oh, you can wipe it off on anything you want if everything is done correctly. Seriously — I’d use a Brioni suit as a jizz mop to clean off the ceiling.

What one has to appreciate is how tall are the ceilings? Because if one is receiving a rather ingratiating hand job one would prefer taller ceilings that way one will not have to resort to using their Brioni (Armani in our case…) jackets as a polishing tool once kingdom comes.

* It’s totally lame and unsexy: You shut your mouth!

Frankly this depends on your partner. I’ve personally been with women who have had me looking at the fleas on the wall and then I have been with women who I am forced to the ritual that you women are now avoiding in sheer anticipation of the next outing.

I say give hand jobs a chance ladies, just remember to look deeply into his eyes…


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