I’m sitting across the table with a woman on a luncheon outing and to be sure she’s quite delightful. We speak at length about our respective careers, aspirations, expectations and what passes for gossip. For a good hour or two I listen enthralled, as the woman in question describes her blossoming career to me, the various TV offers, shows that she’s embarking and the latest interview she gave to a high circulating tabloid. I in turn then groan to some degree about the tribulations of being a young publisher and how I’m always up against it, and how I’m always having to scamper for money just to meet my immediate obligations. Finally the bill arrives, and for a moment an awkwardness sets in.
How would the bill be paid or rather by whom? For some reason I am led to believe this wonderful woman who has achieved so much and is financially fit will meet me halfway in paying the bill, so I wait as I look at the check until I suddenly realize for all her success, beauty and emancipation she has no intent in even looking at the bill, let alone offer anything towards its contribution. Glibly I await a second longer before I am resigned to the idea that the $70 check without tip will be borne all by myself and that for the next 3 days I will have to scamper on peanut butter sandwiches. In the end the check and tip are honored and yet already in the back of my mind I already know outside of social run ins I will make little effort to see this woman again.
On the way home I am chagrined by the idea that in fact she only behaved in a way that she has become accustomed to. After all a cursory look in the cultural field will show many examples of how it is correct etiquette for a man to be the financial benefactor and for the woman to be the pretty object that us men should be so happy and thrilled to be with. And yet, I am not thrilled. At heart I am insulted by an apparent contradiction- here is society telling us women are now financially independent, mobile and on the make and yet when it comes time to share a luncheon bill, society’s liberated women suddenly are no longer liberated and at the mercy of the man, the caveman that is suppose to provide and eternally protect them. It’s obvious women have cornered a perfect situation where they can have their cake and eat the cake at the same time, an advantage very few men are offered socially in their affections towards women. Or so it seems…
To appreciate the dynamics, one has to be aware that women in their quest to assert themselves have adopted clever guises that necessitate survival and gravitation to the stronger male suiter. As much as I may complain about equality and hegemony not being fairly dealt with in society I am also am aware that it is a secret that all women are in on. Of course they know that it’s politically correct to share various burdens but since our culture has equated a woman to be an object to be had, physically admired she will often play into that myth and yet she will often be the first to cry out about it when she no longer finds herself able to fit into that myth- in which case she will suddenly find the strength to share the burden.
Women as sex objects to be acquired?
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NOW this is the kind of earnest piece that needed to be written and it is all so true I must admit. Nevertheless, what I have learned and finally experienced as I have gotten older is finally being in the exact opposite position which is on the receiving end of a woman’s generosity which made me feel a tad uncomfortable and self conscious. At least until she said, “you know, you have done so many things for me, including footing the bill and I have too often been on the receiving end of men feeling obliged to pay, but I am quite comfortable and would enjoy your simply relaxing and being paid for.” This is a woman who having recognized her financial stature in civilized society is higher than mine and having been on the receiving end of generosity from me and others, insisted on inviting and taking me out. No offense to the Countess LuAnn de Lesseps who insists her role is to always be on the receiving end of other people paying for her, but there is a culture of strong, truly independent and generous females who exhibit rather uniquely the ability to leave more on the table than they take. And I have to admit, those kinds of women likely will be recipients of greater male generosity for when a man feels less like a wallet regardless of whether he can provide Caviar Dreams or sustains himself on Peanut Butter & Jelly Sandwiches, he truly wants to find a way to be generous with that sort of lady.They do exist, even in NYC and some of them are Mensa level intelligent and as feline as the hottest looking cat you will see anywhere on the planet. God bless em.
The person who suggests the lunch, pays for it.
Men and women are still not equal despite how it may seem.
While they lines are starting to merge there is still a long way to go. What you spent on her dinner, she will more than make up for in makeup and clothes compared to what you spend.
Women still make 10-20% less and it costs them 10-20% more to survive. They still are talked down to and ignored as well. In most relationships, even if the woman works, she is still expected to keep up the housework and take care of the kids and cook. Look around most offices and see which jobs the women are working compared to the men.
Equal? Not yet.
Binky is correct though, the person who suggests it, is expected to pay.
Hi Scallywag,
unfortunately many women feel entitled like the dismal comment by the sad Leslie above shows. Do you really think that men are ONLY into looks, and if you wear a pretty dress and an empty smile you can get away with the lack of all the rest? Poor soul. Just go on dating UES/WS investment banksters, they will appreciate for what you are.
I used to pay for dinners and was regularly getting screwed with humongous bills and the sensation I did not really want to see the gold-digger again, or that I was essentially paying for sex. Men are naturally inclined to be generous and chivalrous with the ladies who deserve it, not the ones who just feel that they got a short end of the stick for being female, and want to get even with the male gender by exploiting it financially and emotionally.
You have to change your paradigm, man. Biological evolution has not caught up to social evolution. Therefore, you, THE MAN, are the HUNTER. Get used to it and learn the rules or be miserable. A woman should EARN (in terms of demonstrating good qualities, not just being pretty) you spending money on her or else she will just assume you’re a sucker like so many others. It’s not her job to teach you.
If you’re going to meet a woman for a first date, suggest nothing more expensive than drinks, but preferably invite her to come along to something you are already doing. For example, tell her that you’re searching for the perfect peanut butter and she should come along to help you find it! If it goes well, you follow that excursion with a sandwich-making date (yes, that night, if possible). If not, you shelled out for a gourmet peanut butter you’re going to use anyway and maybe an interesting story. Stop focusing on all the annoying contradictions and hypocrisies. I think you’re hiding some insecurity behind a mouthful of words.
‘Stop focusing on all the annoying contradictions and hypocrisies. I think you’re hiding some insecurity behind a mouthful of words.’
Thanks for bringing a smile to my face Solomon.