The double standard of women…

The double standard of women...

I’m sitting across the table with a woman on a luncheon outing and to be sure she’s quite delightful. We speak at length about our respective careers, aspirations, expectations and what passes for gossip. For a good hour or two I listen enthralled, as the woman in question describes her blossoming career to me, the various TV offers, shows that she’s embarking and the latest interview she gave to a high circulating tabloid. I in turn then groan to some degree about the tribulations of being a young publisher and how I’m always up against it, and how I’m always having to scamper for money just to meet my immediate obligations. Finally the bill arrives, and for a moment an awkwardness sets in.

How would the bill be paid or rather by whom? For some reason I am led to believe this wonderful woman who has achieved so much and is financially fit will meet me halfway in paying the bill, so I wait as I look at the check until I suddenly realize for all her success, beauty and emancipation she has no intent in even looking at the bill, let alone offer anything towards its contribution. Glibly I await a second longer before I am resigned to the idea that the $70 check without tip will be borne all by myself and that for the next 3 days I will have to scamper on peanut butter sandwiches. In the end the check and tip are honored and yet already in the back of my mind I already know outside of social run ins I will make little effort to see this woman again.

On the way home I am chagrined by the idea that in fact she only behaved in a way that she has become accustomed to. After all a cursory look in the cultural field will show many examples of how it is correct etiquette for a man to be the financial benefactor and for the woman to be the pretty object that us men should be so happy and thrilled to be with. And yet, I am not thrilled. At heart I am insulted by an apparent contradiction- here is society telling us women are now financially independent, mobile and on the make and yet when it comes time to share a luncheon bill, society’s liberated women suddenly are no longer liberated and at the mercy of the man, the caveman that is suppose to provide and eternally protect them. It’s obvious women have cornered a perfect situation where they can have their cake and eat the cake at the same time, an advantage very few men are offered socially in their affections towards women. Or so it seems…

To appreciate the dynamics, one has to be aware that women in their quest to assert themselves have adopted clever guises that necessitate survival and gravitation to the stronger male suiter. As much as I may complain about equality and hegemony not being fairly dealt with in society I am also am aware that it is a secret that all women are in on. Of course they know that it’s politically correct to share various burdens but since our culture has equated a woman to be an object to be had, physically admired she will often play into that myth and yet she will often be the first to cry out about it when she no longer finds herself able to fit into that myth- in which case she will suddenly find the strength to share the burden.

The double standard of women...

Women as sex objects to be acquired?

  • http://www.christopherlondonblog.com Christopher London

    NOW this is the kind of earnest piece that needed to be written and it is all so true I must admit. Nevertheless, what I have learned and finally experienced as I have gotten older is finally being in the exact opposite position which is on the receiving end of a woman’s generosity which made me feel a tad uncomfortable and self conscious. At least until she said, “you know, you have done so many things for me, including footing the bill and I have too often been on the receiving end of men feeling obliged to pay, but I am quite comfortable and would enjoy your simply relaxing and being paid for.” This is a woman who having recognized her financial stature in civilized society is higher than mine and having been on the receiving end of generosity from me and others, insisted on inviting and taking me out. No offense to the Countess LuAnn de Lesseps who insists her role is to always be on the receiving end of other people paying for her, but there is a culture of strong, truly independent and generous females who exhibit rather uniquely the ability to leave more on the table than they take. And I have to admit, those kinds of women likely will be recipients of greater male generosity for when a man feels less like a wallet regardless of whether he can provide Caviar Dreams or sustains himself on Peanut Butter & Jelly Sandwiches, he truly wants to find a way to be generous with that sort of lady.They do exist, even in NYC and some of them are Mensa level intelligent and as feline as the hottest looking cat you will see anywhere on the planet. God bless em.

  • binky

    The person who suggests the lunch, pays for it.

  • Leslie

    Men and women are still not equal despite how it may seem.

    While they lines are starting to merge there is still a long way to go. What you spent on her dinner, she will more than make up for in makeup and clothes compared to what you spend.

    Women still make 10-20% less and it costs them 10-20% more to survive. They still are talked down to and ignored as well. In most relationships, even if the woman works, she is still expected to keep up the housework and take care of the kids and cook. Look around most offices and see which jobs the women are working compared to the men.

    Equal? Not yet.

    Binky is correct though, the person who suggests it, is expected to pay.

  • Max

    Hi Scallywag,
    unfortunately many women feel entitled like the dismal comment by the sad Leslie above shows. Do you really think that men are ONLY into looks, and if you wear a pretty dress and an empty smile you can get away with the lack of all the rest? Poor soul. Just go on dating UES/WS investment banksters, they will appreciate for what you are.

    I used to pay for dinners and was regularly getting screwed with humongous bills and the sensation I did not really want to see the gold-digger again, or that I was essentially paying for sex. Men are naturally inclined to be generous and chivalrous with the ladies who deserve it, not the ones who just feel that they got a short end of the stick for being female, and want to get even with the male gender by exploiting it financially and emotionally.

  • Solomon

    You have to change your paradigm, man. Biological evolution has not caught up to social evolution. Therefore, you, THE MAN, are the HUNTER. Get used to it and learn the rules or be miserable. A woman should EARN (in terms of demonstrating good qualities, not just being pretty) you spending money on her or else she will just assume you’re a sucker like so many others. It’s not her job to teach you.

    If you’re going to meet a woman for a first date, suggest nothing more expensive than drinks, but preferably invite her to come along to something you are already doing. For example, tell her that you’re searching for the perfect peanut butter and she should come along to help you find it! If it goes well, you follow that excursion with a sandwich-making date (yes, that night, if possible). If not, you shelled out for a gourmet peanut butter you’re going to use anyway and maybe an interesting story. Stop focusing on all the annoying contradictions and hypocrisies. I think you’re hiding some insecurity behind a mouthful of words.

  • http://www.scallywagandvagabond.com Scallywag

    ‘Stop focusing on all the annoying contradictions and hypocrisies. I think you’re hiding some insecurity behind a mouthful of words.’

    Thanks for bringing a smile to my face Solomon.

  • P. Steadman

    It’s true that many women are stunningly beautiful (they spend a huge amount of time and money on their looks after all) and expect to be pampered with attention, drinks, and the rest; it’s ironic that the only way to register on their scale is to openly ignore their assets, tease them about their looks and insist that they buy YOU the drink (all whilst secretly adoring them).

    La vie est bizzarre!

  • DJ

    @ Binky why would the person who suggests the lunch pay for it. Thats just a clever way of saying ‘the man should almost always pay for it’. Because in our society the burden of making moves towards a relationship still lies mostly with the man.

  • Michael Steane

    More fool you for paying, mate.
    The physicist Richard Feinman published an essay entitled “You Just Ask Them” in which he describes being taught never to pay for anything until the woman has put out for you. Against his instincts, he experiments and finds the advice to be solid.
    There is also an essay by Paul Elam who found himself in a similar situation and the woman had to call a friend to pay her share of the bill since she had not even taken any money with her.
    The woman in question here will not respect you for paying.
    I suggest you try bluntly saying something like “I thought you believed in equality”, “Why should I pay? You’re not a prostitute are you?” or some such like. You may find that instead of harming your relationships, you will get more respect.
    I wish you luck in trying a new tack if you choose to.
    Mike Steane, author of Rape of the Male Mind available on Amazon Kindle

  • th3rmyte

    # Leslie: “Look around most offices and see which jobs the women are working compared to the men.”
    ok lets take the College I work at for a sample.At the campus I work at: the campus president, all four deans and their assistant deans, the directors of facility management, campus support services, and custodial services, and roughly half the departments, as the head of HR are all women. mind you, this is Miami Dade College – the largest junior college in America. The same is true for many large entities and we have quite a few women in congress and 2 in the Supreme Court. I do not think your argument that women are still looked down upon in society holds water.

    “What you spent on her dinner, she will more than make up for in makeup and clothes compared to what you spend.”
    What she chooses to wear is not my issue nor is it my responsibility and it certainly does not mean I should foot the bill. Also, given the contemporary standard for masculine hygiene and beauty, this is not really true. For one, most men must now either shave or wax most or all body hair to meet modern standards. As men have more hair, we will spend more money on wax/razors. Nice clothing for men is just as expensive as women’s clothing (you have purses and jewelry while we have watches, ties, and also jewelry). Men also get manicures (just not colored polish). We also have to spend more time in the gym to look appealing (so exorbitant gym fees). Your argument assumes that the woman is dolled up in Chanel and Gucci while the guy is in levies and a shirt he got at Ross.

    “the person who suggests it, is expected to pay”
    No, you should pay for what you bought unless I offer to treat you – and vice versa. If I take you to Olive Garden, that does not mean you get to order the top shelf wine and the most expensive meal with appetizers while I only buy a bowl of pasta and a beer and then expect me to foot the bill unless we agreed with that.

    @ Solomon: The point of this article is to call out the inherent hypocrisy involved in the dating world and society at large as opposed to getting dating tips. If I want to pay for sex, I’ll get a hooker. At least then I can ask for what I want up front and generally be guaranteed to get it and I can dispense with the mind games and the bs. I’m not dating a hooker; I am trying to meet another human being and start a relationship. If I’m expected to pay for everything then I should also get what I want when I want it.

    @ Michael: I agree with everything you just said

    In closing, either you women accept equality entirely – with both the benefits and the responsibilities – or you accept a more traditional inter gender relationship where you are not responsible for working or paying for anything but you also must be obedient to your men and accept your status as something less than free and adult. Either you are truly our equals and get all the rights and responsibilities (equal pay but equal expectation to pay for things and the right to vote but equal reaction and outcome in social settings and family courts) or you can do things the Saudi way: you don’t pay for anything or lift a finger bt you shut up when me are speaking and do as you’re told. Your choice. Freedom and equality or protection and subservience, you cant have both

  • tallglassofwater

    “The same is true for many large entities and we have quite a few women in congress and 2 in the Supreme Court. I do not think your argument that women are still looked down upon in society holds water.”

    There are three women in the Supreme Court. The fact that you tried to cite the Supreme Court as evidence of women not being looked down on, but managed to completely leave one of the three out is incredibly humorous.