Long story short – having told you the long version already, I’ll now give you the short version in case you were too busy to read the longer one you just read – our fine outlet is in need of a couple of folks to sell ads for us. The folks in question, whom we promise not to call folks on a regular basis, would do so under a freelance arrangement involving a 20 percent commission, as well as additional perks just for playing – invitations to our various events and parties, for instance, as well as praise and encouragement and hugs and sexually suggestive comments that are expressed ostensibly as jokes but are clearly serious invitations to engage in intercourse. Just kidding, sexy. That was just a joke. I love looking at you, though. Ha, ha! Anyway, experience in sales isn’t required, thus making this a rather ideal gig for those looking to develop experience in the field without having to deal with all of the bizarre and shady outfits of the sort that are forever running ads on craigslist with the covert intention of molesting you. In contrast, we’re very open with our feelings. Man, I’m going to get the shit sued out of us, aren’t I?
If you’re interested in selling ads for our increasingly iconic journal of cultural goings-on and ongoing degeneracy, send an e-mail in the general direction of our fearless yet technologically-challenged editor-in-chief at [email protected] and eventually someone will open up his inbox for him and print out the message and then have one of our interns inscribe its contents in pictograph form on a clay tablet which will in turn be left to bake in the sun until such point as it is sufficiently hardened for it to be handled and read to him by a scribe of the priest caste; afterwards, the process will be reversed in order that he may convey a message back to you in turn. We’re also looking to hire scribes of the priest caste. Not really, of course; caste is unimportant.
We’re also on the lookout for a couple of interns; those accepted will receive college credits as well as a number of perks even better than those we confer upon the sales folks, including entrance to many of the exclusive events we cover. Better yet, you’ll be privy to writing tips and career assistance from assistant editor Barrett Brown, who’s a regular contributor to Vanity Fair, The Huffington Post, True/Slant, and Skeptic as well as the author of Flock of Dodos and the upcoming Hot, Fat, and Clouded; having written for dozens of publications ranging in content from humor to dining to public policy, and having otherwise spent half of his 28 years in the media, he can almost certainly help you to get some paying work, which is good because any work that doesn’t pay is essentially a form of slavery.
Note: Internships are unpaid.
Don’t delay; e-mail us today!
Show me the money.