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New Moon fever: Tips for surviving vampire season

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newmoonThings you will need to make it through this weekend unscathed include garlic, holy water and a rather large crucifix. The vampires are coming, and try as you might you will not be able to avoid them. With the release of Twilight: New Moon on Friday, people (read teenage girls) apparently already camped out in sleeping bags in preparation. The movie is breaking records before it has even hit the screens and it is quickly becoming the all-time leader in advance ticket sales, according to Fandango’s rankings.

We strongly advise that, if you wish to avoid vampire season, you switch off your television, unplug the computer and don’t leave the house for approximately the next 8-10 days. If you choose to disregard this advice and brave the frenzy (or you have a job or any other inconvenient commitment requiring you to venture outdoors), we suggest the following techniques to help you blend in:
1/ Do everything within your power to become a teenage girl.
2/ The look of the week is “wan and distant”. Embrace it.
3/ Avoid daylight. If they see you out in the sunshine not shimmering, they will know automatically that you are not one of them.
4/ Learn to live without food, water and sleep. Indulging in any of the above will give you away instantly.
5/ A permanent expression of pained concentration can go a long way. It implies that you are either a vampire trying hard not to eat the humans around you, or a teenage girl in love with a vampire.
Of course, if you actually intend to see the film, and are hoping to do so in the next month or so, we suggest you book tickets now and help boost the statistics further still.
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