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The ten fail safe way of how to become your very own media whore.

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become-your-own-media-whorThe things we can’t stand but are willing to help teach you because it’s on the back of your minds…

Frankly we can’t stand media whores. We despise them. They have nothing valuable to add to society and only exist for their own shear vanity and benefit. A media whore of you haven’t guessed it by now is an individual who goes out of their way to get in front of the media as much as possible, cause if you believe the maxim no press is bad press then you are right and with a culture saturated by media exposure and the desire to get ahead- becoming famous is the desired route.

That said we sat down and compiled a ten point list of how you too can join the rat race and become your very own media whore. Oh well, once a whore always a whore…

10/Make a point of getting into as many pictures and articles with sleazy journals like ours and the NY Post as often as possible. Unfortunately our readers will always enjoy reading about smut like you.

9/ Get as photogenic as possible. Before a media concern will feature you we wont to make sure as photogenic as possible. Fat and pimply don’t work for us nor do they work for the NY Post unless of course you are part of the mob.

8/ How do I become photogenic? Plastic surgery, diet, exercise and plenty of rest and water. But in most cases you need to be born with it or we simply don’t care. Us media types are bastard you know…

7/Go to events and places where media skanks like us are likely to go. Then make a way of getting your face in front of our photographers.

6/ Once you have the done the above(7). Make sure you do it every day, seven days a week for a whole year, we assure you by then people will have recognized you as they will inevitably keep seeing your face in the tabloids and quite innocently mistake you for someone famous or worthwhile which we all know you are not even if you wish you were. I know shut up, we’re terrible, but honestly we only live for you…

5/ Get to become friends with other media whores. At first you will have trouble recognizing each other (the plastic surgery and the high cheekbones and not to mention the name dropping will give it all away…) but once you find each other between yourselves you can devise wonderful plans.

4/ Get your slinky ass to as many front row and red carpet events your stomach can bear. Remember being perceived as someone famous is really the trick, so never stop.

3/ The Gimmick factor. Date someone famous, have a public fight with a delivery boy, become best friends with Nick Denton from Gawker, or just release a sex tape once you become semi famous.

2/ Get arrested. Nothing gets you more love than being arrested and media attention- best crimes to get arrested for include- possession of cocaine (please never heroin or crystal- it has a yucky perception ), drunk driving, public disorder, throwing public fits or beating up innocent innocent deli boys..

1/ Then of course you should always have your own blog just like us. That way you can spend all day writing about yourself and hope someone notices. Inevitably they do, but just make sure your clothes are dry cleaned the day they do.

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  • Jane

    Is English your second language?