Home Pop Culture Philadelphia: Not the Smartest town on the Map.

Philadelphia: Not the Smartest town on the Map.

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6.) Philly thinks they have music, but the legendary Roots crew lives in Brooklyn. They are the house band on Jimmy Fallon, slaving away, sending relief funds and baby formula back to Philly in truckloads of those orange Unicef boxes.

Brandon Meyer’s Trio broke up 2 years ago- Meyer got a sex change and moved to Parker, Colorado.

“What can I say, the water in Philly runs through Philly. I contracted leprosy. My penis was going to fall off anyway, so I figured I would just ‘cut to the chase.’ Tom Hanks is helping me out with my lawsuit,” says Meyer.

Will Smith is a Philadelphia rapper. Ha ha ha! For one thing- he sucks a dick at rapping. For another, do you think he is raising his children in Philadelphia?

7.) “WARNING, BEWARE OF PHILADELPHIA CAVEMEN!” While attempting the smallest task- a trip to Starbucks, the abortion clinic (some Philadelphians are smart enough to know that raising a child in Philly is just not worth the trouble), and going to the bus stop to get the fuck out of there, citizens of Philadelphia run the “caveman gauntlet.” Ogre’s frequently pop out of bushes, clubbing people, and dragging them back to their cave where the fat bastards force their victims to watch Joe Carter blast that homerun on repeat while they shove spam down their moustaches and take their victims from behind, screaming “Take that Mitch Williams!”

8.) Sylvester Stallone based “Rocky” in Philly because it is the epicenter of punch drunk retard mediocrity. Statistics show that citizens of Philadelphia have a 1:1 chance of being cracked in the head by a steel beam or a bell at their soon to be closed steel mill. Only a Philadelphian could understand Rocky’s catatonic drool dropping dribbling meathead linguistics and for the producers (who wanted the setting to be as realistically moronic as possible) it was a no-brainer to shoot the film in Philadelphia amongst real- life catatonic guerillas.

9.) “Original Capital”- With “The great Philadelphia anal wart epidemic of 1792” on the back of their minds, Lefant and GW sat in a bunker below Philadelphia looking at a map of the city. George Washington had an idea.

“Let’s do everything the complete opposite of this hunk ‘o shit cesspool!”

They contemplated burning the place down, but in realizing the city could not read their “Constitution,” they just laughed their way down to D.C… Little did they know… it would take 200 years for Tom Hanks’ lesions to save the city! And so the fable goes!

10.) Benjamin Franklin– What do you think he was doing with the kite?!!! attracting little fucking kids, of course! The dirty old bastard and founder of the scrotum fondling capitol of the world has inspired generations of fat bald child molesting bastards to come. Stay away from the kites! It’s not the lightning you have to worry about!

Hail to the Eagles? I’m from Washington! Hail to the Fucking Redskins!

In conclusion, I’m an asshole, but I still wipe myself every once and a while. Philly, don’t give up! I’m going to put an instructional video on youtube, explaining how to do it.

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3 COMMENTS

  1. Like much of the daily paper media throughout the country, newspapers are failing. If the ones in Philadelphia fail, it simply means that that city is on the internet more than others and thus getting the information available there instead of on the 19th and 20th century paper medium. Which after all is not GREEN considering the number of trees it takes to produce and turn into paper and the number of delivery trucks leaving a carbon footprint. Books are probably next because they can be delivered the same way (the Kindle is the harbinger its just too expensive for mass consumption). The CD and ‘record’ stores are gone because of the MP3 and the internet (think Tower Records). But two asswipes Phillistines like Cyrano De Brainiac and JohnnyBallsinKnot who I can only assume read neither newspapers or books should not bemoan the passing of any paper medium except toilet paper. The only one they use seasonly when corncobs aren’t available.

  2. I do agree that Philly is useless, and I have never understood what people do there. Although, I am assuming these facts are totally made up and this guy just felt like talking shit about philly cuz he is from DC and he hates the Eagles??????

    Made for good comedy.

    More like an Onion piece

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