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The five most guaranteed ways to make sure you never go lonely ever again.

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lonelyThere comes a time in everyone’s life where the loneliness is unbearable and you cry for the ex that you let get away. That said we decided to reflect on the things that you so often take a stand on that maybe next time it happens you’ll just close your eyes, bite your lips and let it fly.

The five things lonely and unloved people should consider letting future lovers get away with:

1/ Expense accounts. Yes, there are times you end up falling in love with the loveable hunk, femme fatale who despite themselves doesn’t have a dime to their name. That said, we think you’ll get over this possible impasse if you treated all the money you end up spending on them as an expense to be written off.

We know your first impulse will be to tell them to go and get a job, but think of it this way, if they had to work, you’d only see less of them, and with them broke and relying completely on you – there’s little chance of them leaving you, until you start complaining how much they cost you…

2/ Revolving partners. Yes, like you we like the idea of monogamy but sometimes we can’t always get what we want, so that is why we propose you give your next lover lots of room and let them explore if they need to. Why give them ultimatums and hang ups, as long as they are still getting to see you and the other seventeen dudes and chicks…

3/ The Uncommitted boyfriend. This is the one reason so many of you girls are ending up single. Insisting that the hot guy you are involved with commit solely to you is like asking a porn star to only commit to one onscreen lover at the time.

Knowing that you are going out with Mr. Hot, and especially if he is French you girls should know that he’s bound to wander and to take it all in stride. Commitment in your new dating life will just become a myth.

4/ The ugly girlfriend. Yes, we know the idea of dating ugly people is never really a very appealing option but trust us over time you will forget how ugly your new partner really is when they are there treating you to dinner (this is the unspoken rule for ugly people –they always have to pick up the check, just ask any model who dates rich older ugly men).

So downgrading those expectations could end up becoming a very pleasant surprise…

5/ Least but not final, may we propose you don’t waiver, freak out, and have a hussy fit when you find out that your new prospective partner is already involved with someone else. Yes, the relationship wont be exclusive, but then again you wont be lonely and crying in some random bookstore when you watch random couples walk by.

Also the continual fear of being found out, should help to keep the sex very good and as we always say- ‘what’s good for the French and Italians, is probably very good for the rest of the world.’

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  • jaysus

    “Who is making love to your old lady while you’re out making, eh?”

    This version of ‘mainstream dating’ sounds like compartmentalized sex for fear of actual human contact. It’s as if out of fear for the loss of someone to spend, what is emotionally uninhabitable, time with… here is a contingency plan for all those incapable of involving themselves, meaningfully, outside of their own egocentrism.

    What’s sadder is that though the chances of finding “Mr. Hot” in a region of wafer thin city- worn ‘men’ is less likely, even if you are seriously attractive woman (which in this article seems to loose its weight, socially, against what would be an attractive man?) … Here’s a clue – in: most woman don’t date Mr. Hot simply because he’s good looking. If he finds himself thinking this on his own terms, about himself, than he’s just not too keen on human behavior. If he finds himself unable to sleep with a woman more than twice, than he must not be too good at it, at all, to feel so sexually insecure that he can’t return to things ‘conquered and collected’. We have a word for this in the English language: it’s ‘douche bag’ with a serious peter-pan complex.

  • Anonymous

    “Who is making love to your old lady while you’re out making, eh?”

    This version of ‘mainstream dating’ sounds like compartmentalized sex for fear of actual human contact. It’s as if out of fear for the loss of someone to spend, what is emotionally uninhabitable, time with… here is a contingency plan for all those incapable of involving themselves, meaningfully, outside of their own egocentrism.

    What’s sadder is that though the chances of finding “Mr. Hot” in a region of wafer thin city- worn ‘men’ is less likely, even if you are seriously attractive woman (which in this article seems to loose its weight, socially, against what would be an attractive man?) … Here’s a clue – in: most woman don’t date Mr. Hot simply because he’s good looking. If he finds himself thinking this on his own terms, about himself, than he’s just not too keen on human behavior. If he finds himself unable to sleep with a woman more than twice, than he must not be too good at it, at all, to feel so sexually insecure that he can’t return to things ‘conquered and collected’. We have a word for this in the English language: it’s ‘douche bag’ with a serious peter-pan complex.