In the increasingly banal world we live we decided to reflect on what a girl needs to know before she dares next time put on her bikini.
It’s no secret, America’s favorite past time (well especially at 4am in the morning) revolves around having buns of steel and rock (and we mean six pack rock) hard abs. That said before you dare try getting into this summer’s bikini will require you appreciating the illusions necessary to get you by this year’s summer in one piece
First illusion- always suck in, and only breathe out when others aren’t looking.
Second illusion- only wear bikinis that you’ve seen other (actual real life ) celebrities wear , that way you wont look too much as if you were trying to be too original.
Third illusion- Bikinis bestow sex status appeal. This will require you keeping your bikini on at all times, even when you’re taking a shower. Best to keep their imagination in over drive.
Fourth illusion- Bikinis worn at the local café confer a je nai cest quao quality of “Wow, I didn’t know this wasn’t a beach, but I look cute still right guys?
Fifth illusion- Never let anyone know that you’re bikini is killing you, is too tight, now that it’s summer it’s incumbent on you to smile perpetually. Bikini wearing knows no pain.
Sixth illusion- accessories only work with bikinis if you have some curves, otherwise may we suggest very wide sunglasses
Seventh illusion- Bikinis shouldn’t make up your entire wardrobe even if you have a Hamptons share.