Home Performing Arts Valerie Geffner shocks Fixx.

Valerie Geffner shocks Fixx.

SHARE

valerie-geffner07.jpg

I imagine that first, my patience would go on strike from not being paid anymore vodka and the result of me not drinking anymore vodka just might send Stolichnaya’s stocks plummeting. A diplomat would be sent over wearing a giant ushanka begging me with desperate blue eyes, “Pazhalusta comrad Invictus, you must drink our vodka…” But my beautiful daydream is broken by that horrible smell of body odor and garlic sweat and now I’m being introduced to Stacy Engman, of The National Arts Club. She gives me her card and looking at it now, at this very moment, I realize that her logo is a total goatse. Is this intentional? It can’t possibly be. If it is then we really need to hang out.

Just when I thought it couldn’t get more packed, it does. There seems to be a small abundance of lesbians in this sarcophagus of a bar and it turns out that they’re fans of Valerie. (Oh please let this be good. I really can’t be held responsible for what comes out of me if it’s not a good performance. I’m not exactly in control here.)

With perspiration dripping from my brow and into my generously poured drink, I take a sip and acknowledge the light salty notes of my own bodily fluids accompanying the cold crisp vodka. I may be on to something here, I think to myself and finally, the lights dim, it’s about to start, but where in the hell is it about to start?

From a corner of the next room, sitting with her knees to her chest like a lonely child locked in a V.C. Andrews novel, she sings slowly, Disney-esque…

“Well I’d like to visit the moon…

On a rocket ship in the air…

Yes I’d like to visit the moon…

But I don’t think I’d like to live there…”

I’ve heard this before? Where have I heard this?

“I’d like to travel under the sea…

I cold meet all the fish everywhere…

Yes, I’d travel under the sea…

But I don’t think I’d like to live there…”

I might stay for a day, if I had my wish,

But there’s not much to do when your friends

0. are all fish,

0. And an oyster and clam aren’t real family

0. So I don’t want to live in the sea…”

Then it occurs to me. She’s covering Ernie’s Duet with Aaron Neville from Seseme Street circa 1979 and all’s I can think is, “Wha the fuh?…” I would say about 60% of the room would have been with me at this point based on the expressions all around but it was when she launched into her actual set that I knew Stolichnaya would not be losing my business for a very long time.

valerie-geffner80.jpg

SHARE
 

2 COMMENTS

Comments are closed.